So Many To Reach

For as long as I can remember, if I have ever felt the pull toward a ministry, it was toward one maybe two people groups. It seems everywhere I turn these days, I'm drawn toward another and yet another people group. There are so many people to reach out there. Whether God is simply further revealing His heart for people to me or whether He's preparing to expand my reaches, I am more vividly aware of people and their conditions lately.

Also, I'm drawn toward people groups that have frightened me in the past. I now feel compassion and warmth toward them, and I realize what a privilege it is to find yourself involved in their lives. It's so much more difficult to share the love of Christ or gospel with someone that feels disconnected from you. A Spirit-filled moment with that person would be just that - purely because the Spirit has filled the moment. However, in other cases it's not likely that someone so different from you would entrust their spirituality to you. It's the most private place within a person - to truly know their beliefs, fears, questions and doubts. How could I ever express the compassion and love I feel for them (because of God's grace and love) when I am completely outside the box.

I'm excited to see where God will take this journey. Never has a change of heart resulted in a dead end. God does not lead us on wild goose chases. The only reason one finds nothing in a journey like that is because that person has decided to stop following God's leading - because they stopped trusting Him. Sometimes it takes years to makes sense of even a small part of it. But there is always a reason. Always.

I find it beautiful that these revelations or the change of heart occurring within me are happening just after I have started my new job, working in outreach at my church. Rather than fearing to approach certain topics or groups, I look for an opportunity to spread or support those ministries. This is one of the areas of my character that I believed to be a permanent flaw for me. I never thought that I would have a heart for prison ministries or reaching Muslims or people who live on the "wrong side of the track." I never thought I would have the ease in approaching nearly anyone - not with some kind of manipulation or conversion in mind but truly because I care about that person. I look forward to building friendships, not strained relationships with people who view me as "one of those Christians." I'm not interested in religion. I haven't been for quite some time. I'm interested in people and the love that Christ has for them - as He has for me.

There's no way for me to understand this guidance. I'm simply aware that God is preparing my heart for something down the road. Maybe the path that will explain these changes is just a bit further and maybe it's quite a bit down the road. I'm in no hurry. My journey is with God. And as I heard a song preach to me today, "Your love, your love, all I've ever needed is your love." No matter where I am, what I'm doing or what's next in my life, the love of God is all I've ever needed and will ever need. I pray that I can share that joy and message with...whoever it is God aligns my path to meet.

Barren and Blessed

In reading in Luke about Zephariah and Elizabeth, I’ve been directed to other times when women in the Bible have been barren. Judges 13 tells of Manoah’s wife who is barren. Then an angel of the Lord appears and tells her that she will give birth to a son, Samson. 1 Samuel 1 gives a beautiful picture of how Hannah was barren, yet her husband loved her and she loved the Lord. After prayer and petition, she conceives a son, Samuel. Genesis 18 tells the story of Sarah and Abraham. They were old and barren, yet the Lord told them they would produce not only a son but that they would have as many children as there are stars in the sky (as the father of those who have faith in God). The mother of John the Baptist, Samson, and Samuel, and Isaac were all barren.

To so many women, baring children is a rite of passage, something they must do in their lifetime. When women struggle with infertility or miscarriages, it’s easy to either assume that there’s something wrong with them or that God doesn’t love them as much as God loves other women. We see in these examples from the Bible that it is simply not true. Even when we know that God’s love is not conditional like our love, we can still assume that the inability to have children is somehow a curse from God. Yet these four very important men of the Bible were all born of barren women.

Another illustration from Luke regarding the difficult plight of some women is found in Anna, a prophetess. She had been widowed for the majority of her adult life. She was married for seven years before her husband passed away. Then she was a widow until she died – we read about her in Luke when she is eighty-four years old. She dedicated her life to the Lord, worshiping, fasting and praying night and day. It is to this woman that God revealed the truth of who baby Jesus was. And she gave thanks to God and told others about the redemption of Jerusalem.

It’s not healthy, or good theology, to measure God’s love by what we foresee as blessings or curses. Job was loved by God yet lost all that he had. Our eternal destiny is not determined by our lives while here on earth. Our eternal destiny is determined by God’s love and grace and our faith in Jesus Christ. That is why we rejoice in God – that He is who He is and for no other reason. Despite our blessings or curses (or what appear to be curses) God is everlasting. His promises endure. He is in control.

Be still and know that I am God.Psalm 46:10

No matter our circumstances – infertile, losses, separation from family or friends, our failures and challenges – our eternity is the same. Satan may shake up your earthly existence, but he can’t do a thing about your eternal destiny…or his.

Spoiler alert – God wins.

The Spirit of Christmas

The last few years I have especially yearned for God’s presence at Christmastime. Not for any specific reason except that I yearn for Him. I’m amazed and saddened at the number of people (some of whom are near and dear to me) who are overwhelmed, burdened or frustrated because of the season.  I believe that we do it to ourselves.  That may sound harsh.  Though we are not always in control of our surroundings or the family traditions we may find ourselves subject to, we are completely in control of our response and our heart.

My husband and I used to run the holiday season rat race with our families. We ran anywhere and everywhere they wanted us, as best we could. The result was not a happy or even content family, it was frustrated and dissatisfied. So last year, after a horrendous experience the year before, we put the brakes. For the preservation of our budding family (now complete with a little boy) and the preservation of family ties, we decided to stay home. 

We honestly weren’t sure what to expect. Would everyone throw stones at us? Would we regret not going? Were we making the wrong decision? In the end, as far as we can see to this day, no one threw stones, we didn’t regret not making the trip, and we believe it was the right decision. We enjoyed the peace of our Christmas.  We went to Christmas Eve service. We opened our presents as we wanted. We had a relaxing day where Chad and Matthew got to play with their new toys, and I was able to revel in the simplicities of the day. We’ve decided that we will once again stay home this year. 

We’d be glad to have family come visit us for the holidays. (Chad’s mom is visiting Chad’s brother and his family this year.)  And we know that we will very likely go back “home” other years. However, I believe that putting on the brakes was necessary in order to change a pattern that was potentially harmful to our family and to family ties. We are not ungrateful for our families, but Christmas is about Jesus.  If one’s traditions are not centered around Jesus, I fully believe that they are out of line.

It’s fun to make gingerbread houses and take the kids to sit on Santa’s lap. I’m not saying that all secular Christmas traditions are out of line. My point is that if Jesus is not the reason for celebrating the season (secular traditions and all), if you don’t talk about Jesus and read about Jesus and search for Him at this time of year, then you are not celebrating Christmas. You are celebrating winter and a fat man in a suit that doesn’t exist. Is winter and a made up man worth the overwhelming, burdening, frustrating traditions? And, spoiler alert, Jesus is not interested in you fulfilling certain traditions at the risk of it damaging your spirit. So you’re not doing Him any honors by subjecting yourself and your family to the hectic nature of it all.

We are not so helpless. We decide where to drive when we get behind the wheel of our car. We decide how to express our love. We decide when we will do what. Change is always possible. It is up to us to seek it and apply it.

Like our family example, no one will fault you for preserving your family or your sanity. For whatever it’s worth, I don’t personally condone skipping Christmas to go to Fiji just to get out of the headache of “family.” That’s just misguided and cowardly. What I do believe in is pulling those you love near you and deciding how to best honor Jesus….every day.

So I encourage you to take the time – make the time – to evaluate your holiday season and traditions. How do they celebrate Jesus? In what ways do you exemplify your faith and shine Christ’s love? How can you not only positively impact your own traditions but help others realize that the spirit of Christmas is not just a kind gesture – it’s the Holy Spirit and God’s love?

God bless you and keep you in peace, love and joy this year and every year.

Life Lessons from a Toddler

Yesterday my three-year-old son and I went to the park.  Yes, it's nearly the end of November and we went to the park.  It was 70 degrees outside!  How could we pass up that opportunity?  I'm often struck by the sweet innocence of his curiosity and interactions with the world around him.  Though the adult mind is leagues above that of a toddler, children are a reflection of who we are, who we will always be.

My son is curious about the world around him, and he doesn't abide by a schedule or timeblock to explore that world.  He lives in the moment.  We should all be so wise.  The time he takes to inspect his shirt, play with a stick, or look for just the right rock to take home is done with unapologetic and undivided attention.  Sometimes I call him molasses because he moves about that quickly at times.  Yet I can't help but adore and even envy that kind of disregard for Father Time.  He will not be rushed.  Whether he is taking his time to climb into his car seat or he's too busy playing to be disturbed by my requests or even to go to the bathroom, my son relishes each moment.  He doesn't even have to be particularly engaged or busy.  His imagination and curiosity is at work, and he gives himself all the time in the world to entertain it.

After we had gone to both parks near our house (oddly enough, they are across the street from one another), the trek home takes as long as the rest of the trip does.  I tried to manipulate my poor son by making a game of it.  "Let's run all the way to the sidewalk!"  "Yeah!" was his eager reply.  It would be a fine plan...if we didn't have to run past dandilions.  Not the bright yellow version; the white, puffy ones.  My son cannot leave them untouched if he sees it.  And if he sees one, he's on the hunt for all the others...in the world.  He cleared half the field of these dandilions.  It must have taken 20 minutes to go 100 yards.  He just wants to pull the white, puffy part off.  Then he moves on to the next.  The excitement in his eyes, and all over his face, as he spotted another and yet another one was precious.  We should all find joy so easily.

Yet while I watched my son pick apart the stem of one of the fluffy weeds, it occured to me that while he was thoroughly engaged in the moment, it wasn't a very worth-while activity.  Don't get me wrong.  It was fun and adorable, and I had great joy and peace in watching my son find such enjoyment in the moment.  How often do we do the same thing?  Though God smiles down on us in our enjoyment, how often do we spend an inordinate amount of time doing something completely unimportant.  We may even believe it to be important, but just like my son picking apart a weed, we too find ourselves in wasted moments. 

I do think there's a difference in the two situations.  For my son, it is exploration of a new world for him.  He has no bills to pay, no laundry to fold, no thank you cards to write, and no friend to call just to catch up.  Exploration, in any form, is his job right now.  However, our weeds tend to be television, the internet, not calling those dear to us to say "hello".  We waste many moments doing something unimportant, like picking apart weeds.

Children are a precious reflection of who we are.  We can learn so much from them.  We should learn to be more like them rather than forcing them to be like us.  In all of our years, we have spent too much time picking apart weeds rather than developing our character.  Sometimes we find that the weeds have overrun our lives and must pick them out of our lives.  Those "weed" moments pollute our souls.  Why on earth would we want our children to be more like that?  We can learn a lot from their sweet innocence and pure character.

Today, live in the moment.  That's a difficult thing for me to do.  I'm very "future" oriented.  However, it's imporant to relish each moment.  Take your time today and discover the peace it brings to your life.

A Cup of Coffee & A Grateful Heart: a sure cure for stress

I think I've been stressing too easily lately.  There must be a root cause.  Yes, I have change coming my way and there have been worrisome signs in my pregnancy.  However, those are just circumstances, not reasons for stress.  In addition, I've been having some really awful dreams lately.  Really awful.  All of those things cause my body to stress and cause the worrisome signs in my pregnancy.  In a moment like this, I need a cup of coffee and a grateful heart.

As I sit here with my hot cup of coffee, breathing in its comforting aroma, I have a lot to be thankful for.  My little boy is pure joy.  Sure, he's a toddler and he does toddler things, but his heart is sweet and his disposition is joyous.  Something as silly as him walking into my room in the morning with a silly grin on his face as he says, "I pee pee'd," it makes me giggle.  (He's potty trained but still sleeping in his diaper. He knows he didn't need to potty in his diaper, but he did just to be silly.)  This morning he also had a (pretend) owie on his ankle.  The excitement on his face when I brought him a little tigger band-aid was precious.  I so wish we could live our entire life as easily impressed and pleased.

My husband is a wonderful man.  He has his flaws as we all do, but I'm always so proud of him and proud to be his wife.  I wish I could be more grateful for him.  I'm far too easily annoyed with things he does.  I don't carry a grateful heart with me each moment we're together.  However, the horrible dreams that I've had over the last few weeks always involve losing him.  Not that our relationship ends but that something awful happens to him.  I wake up in the middle of the night nearly trembling and either scoot over to him or grab on to him.  I know that he has no idea how much I love him...because I don't show it well most days.  That, I must change.

The joy of all joys is in my Savior.  He, who is jealous for me, is always there for me.  He is always working for the good in my life.  He is constantly molding me, refining me so that I may be the reflection of Him who created me and loves me most - the most Holy Lord.  I desire nothing more than to be with Him.  One day, He will call me home and my joy will be overwhelming.  There is no word for that joy.  I don't deserve His love, which makes it that much greater.  He doesn't require me to be worthy of His love - He just gives it.  The joy I receive from Him fills my heart and body with warmth and my eyes with tears.

No matter my circumstance, no matter my location or occupation, all I truly need is the Lord.  Without His presence, my life is nothing.  With His presence, regardless of any other factors, all that I do is golden for no other reason than the fact that He is with me.

Today, dwell in His love.  Be filled with joy because you are loved by the most wonderful, holy, perfect, merciful, gracious, compassionate Lord.  He is jealous for you.

Waiting for God's Sovereign Hand part 3

I accepted the job!  Furthermore, I told my boss and the rest of the office.  So now it's smooth sailing.

It was much easier to accept the new job than it was to confess that I will be leaving my current job.  Initially, the thought of giving my boss my resignation was painful.  I thought I might have a small heart attack.  I know how much his job relies on my job, and I was terrified at the thought of him having to go through the process of interviewing, hiring and training a new person.  He will be just fine.  I know that.  More so, I had been praying for God to give me comfort, courage, and sight.  Of course, God has pulled me through this entire process.  I would say that He's led me, but I think it's equally fitting to say that He's pulled me through.  I just held on to Him and said, "I can't do this.  I'm not strong enough, but I believe in You and trust You.  I'll go where You go, but You're going to have to drag me through this." And He did.

I had been praying for weeks that He help me with the words to say to my boss.  I didn't rehearse anything except my first line, "I've been offered a position somewhere else, and I've decided to take it."  From there, I relied on God.  God, you gave me my mouth, now please give me the words.  After I said those words to my boss, I cried through the rest.  I told him it had nothing to do with him, the firm, the money, or the work environment.  It is simply that I am passionate about the work being offered to me, and I believe that God is leading me there.  I told him how much I've grown at this job, which is so true!  I've never grown so much in any other position.  And had it not been for this job, I would not be as prepared or qualified to do this next job.  In the grand scheme of things, God has led me to all the right places to fine tune different skills - all in preparation for this wonderful opportunity, which is no doubt preparation for something else.

I will be here for two more weeks.  Then after a long weekend thanks to Thanksgiving, I will start my new job.  It will be exciting to walk in that first morning and get acquainted with the people, the environment, and my workspace.  I get giddy over workspace details.  Where will I put my pens?  What will my calendar look like?  Where and what will I store?  What does the chair feel like?  How does the keyboard feel?  It's nerdy.  I'm well aware of that.  But pens, calendars/planners, keyboards, and computer programs really excite me.  I suppose that's why I do what I do.  Also exciting, the dress code is not business casual!  I don't mind dressing up once in awhile - I rather enjoy it.  But I'm not so crazy about dressing up every day.  I would really like to wear jeans to work.  And now I will be able to!  That's a blessing in itself, as small as it is.

It truly is just the beginning.  God has not led me to the end of the road but rather the beginning of a new road.  There is much to encounter along the path.  I'm looking forward to it.  I welcome the unexpected, even when it's challenging.  That is what makes the journey so exciting.  Down this path, I'm sure to experience joy and happiness as well as tears and frustration.  I will rejoice in God's goodness, and when it's hard I'll cling to him and say, "I'll go where You go, but You're going to have to drag me through this."  And He will.

Following Jesus...in his gray car

The other morning while I was driving my son to daycare, I'm not sure what started it but, according to Matthew we were following Jesus in his car - his gray car.  I couldn't say that the car in front of us was gray, but according to Matthew Jesus' car is gray.  It was such a cute demonstration of a child's imagination and the precious things that they say.  As a mother, I was just thrilled that he came up with some story about Jesus all on his own.

One of my initial reactions to Matthew's excited chirps about Jesus' car way out in front of us was that Jesus is never that far away.  I don't have to chase Jesus, He lives in my heart.  As I strive to follow Jesus, He is walking that journey with me.  Even when I'm not paying much attention, He's there.  When I am distracted by the world or my own sin, He is there being ever so attentive to me.

We don't follow Jesus in his modest, gray car.  We follow his glorious Spirit.  The fun thing about following Jesus in his car is that it's sort of like a chase, an adventure.  Do we follow his Spirit in the same way?  Are we excited by the chase? 

Today I challenge you to follow Jesus with that same excitement.  Curiously and eagerly seek him out...gray car and all.

He is the Same in Good Times and in Times of Loss

Our first appointment with the doctor was not a pleasant one.  I knew that I hadn't been feeling quite right.  While I realize that I've only experienced one pregnancy all the way through and the all pregnancies are different, call it mother's intuition but I knew that something was wrong.  The short of it is that my progesterone level was low and my hcg level was "alright".  Not like, "it's alright if you come over tonight," but more like, "passing a class with a 'C' is alright."  On top of that, the baby is measuring about a week behind and the heartbeat was low.  I have another sonogram scheduled this week to make sure that baby is growing and the heartbeat speeds up...or to determine that the baby is not growing.

Best case scenario is that I'm earlier than I thought and though my progesterone was low, the doctor has put me on supplements which have made me feel a ton better (and stopped another alarming symptom I was experiencing).  So best case, we will see at this appointment that the baby is growing, the heartbeat is speeding up and the progesterone is working.
Worst case will be that I will miscarry regardless of the supplements.

Either way, this doctor has given me hope.  I don't expect that he can save this pregnancy if it's not meant to be.  Only God can truly preserve life.  If it's not meant to be, there's nothing anyone can do.  However, if it's all because my progesterone was low, then there is hope that this baby will go full term and we will have a new member to our family.

Of course, I have struggled greatly with this.  I don't want to get too attached, but I don't want to be negative about it.  I can't accept that it might all be okay because I know that it might not.  While I don't want to experience another miscarriage and go through the heartache and disappointment, I know that I can and will get through and, most importantly, that God still reigns on high.  Maybe that sounds like some sort of cheesy, preachy bit, but it's true.

As I was singing in my car on my way back to work after lunch today, the words of the song reminded me that 1) I've done this before and God is still loving and His kingdom still intact and 2) if I have to go through it again I can still rejoice in the fact that He has saved me and it is not the end.  I find great joy in knowing that He is unchanging, always loving and merciful, and that His kingdom is unshakable.

Even if I miscarry again, I know that He is with me, and I can rejoice in Him.  I will still worship and the Spirit will still come into my heart to give me joy and hope for the future.  No matter what happens, I will still be in the love of God.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us fromt he love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)

So whatever the outcome, God will receive my praise.  Lord, make my life an offering of praise, no matter the circumstance.

Waiting for God's Soverign Hand part 2

I've been offered the job that I interviewed for last week.  Tomorrow, I will sit with someone at the church to get the official offer, completed with pay and benefits explaination.  From what I understand, it is all good.  It's all very, very good.  God has truly led this entire process.  It is amazing to see it all at work in my life.

Usually, the more you find out about a job the more you find that you don't like.  In this case, the more I learn the more I love it!  Yes, there's still a lot that I don't know, but my view is that God has led this.  This is where God is moving me, so that's where I will go - whatever that means.  However, God is pouring out His blessings to me and my family through this job opportunity.

Also, He has greatly calmed my nerves.  When I interviewed for the job I could only think how terrified I was to tell my boss that I'm leaving.  While I still don't enjoy the idea, I know that it is an opportunity to exercise my faith.  By sitting in such an awkward position for me (and knowing what it will do to him), I am relying on God's sovereignty.  We are called to follow Him.  If I want my life to be molded by Him, I have to be willing to do what He calls me to.  And if I know that He is a good and righteous judge, I know that I can trust Him completely - with my family and with my boss's family.  I can trust that God will provide for my boss as well.  He will be just fine without me.

A friend of mine also brought up a good point - this could be a wonderful opportunity for me to share my faith with my boss, in a way that would have never happened if I stayed here.  The explaination for me leaving lies in my love for God and desire to follow Him.  Not that you have to work at a church to follow God, but in my case it is an incredible opportunity to follow where I think He's leading me.  Outreach and missions is my passion.  God has led me to a place where I can work in that area.  Leaving this job is a testimony of what God can do.  It's a small example, but to someone who may not know God it could resonate more loudly. 

I will never know how my boss will take my leaving.  Quite honestly, if he's furious about it, that is not my concern.  I'm not leaving this job out of spite or ill will.  I'm leaving because God is moving me.  If my boss doesn't take it well, that's between him and God.  I don't mean that to sound callous.  All I mean is that I'm much more responsible to moving as God is leading than I am to making or keeping my boss happy.  I can't be, and am not, responsible for my boss's reaction, though I pray that he will find peace in it.

I say all of this with great peace and trust.  My future is in God's hands, and I trust no one more than He.  There's no telling what the next year will hold, or what the next five years will hold.  It's an exciting adventure when you're being led by the One who loves you most of all and is the most glorious in all the universe and beyond.

Precious Child: God give me patience

My son is three years old.  He is a sweet, precious, funny little kid.  The apple of my eye.  My cuddle bug.  I miss him all day and can't get enough of him when I'm with him.  My heart leaps simply with thoughts of him.
At the same time, he's an ornery, little bugger.  He is in full swing of testing mommy and daddy until we're about to beat our head against the floor.  Last night at dinner, Chad prayed that he and I would have patience with Matthew and give him the love he deserves.  I believe that God blessed us with patience last night as we, once again, struggled through the bedtime routine.

Matthew has a chart for bedtime.  On that chart is brushing teeth, going potty, changing into jammies, reading a story, turn off the light, mommy tells a story, then...the really tough one...he has to stay in bed - both at bedtime and through the night.  That box is regularly left blank.  Last night, however, he got every box checked off!  He slept in the full-sized bed in the guest room, which will be his shortly - both the bed and the room.  He slept better, and so did mommy.  Hallelujiah!

So what was the key to our success last night?  God's grace, with mommy and daddy.  I had read an article yesterday on babycenter about disciplining a toddler.  They are tough. Unfortunately, too often mommy and daddy lose their cool.  Last night, I knew that what needed to happen was calm yet decisive cause and reaction.  I left the discipline in Matthew's hands - based on his actions, there is a (natural) reaction.  If he stacked the magazines he just flung across the room into a pile, then he could have a bedtime story.  If he chose not to stack them in a pile then there would be no story.  It was his choice.  Of course, he didn't do so well with it the first time - he tried to ignore what we were saying by trying to put them back in the bag.  This would have been harmless except we know him.  It was a stalling technique.  Since he didn't get his way, he hit daddy a few times, which meant he had to sit in time out.  He tried getting up about five times.  Rather than yelling at him or demanding that he listen, I calmly picked him back up and put him in his spot.  After about four times I told him that every time he got up I would put him back.  The same thing at bedtime, whenever he got out of bed I took him back.  It's amazing that the answer is quite rational.  Stay calm and just follow through.  Too often our frustration leads to us getting upset and trying to find the quickest route, which is never a good solution.  Calm follow through.  That's the answer.

It is by God's grace that we were able to have a good night last night.  Mommy and daddy don't deserve God's help, but He is gracious, good and loving.  Also, for Matthew's sake, mommy and daddy need to be straightened out.  Now God, please help us continue down this path.

What peace God's wisdom brings.

Blessed, Worrisome Numbness

I'm feeling numb lately.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I'm feeling spiritually numb while I worry about things that are not within my control.  At the same time, I know that my family is enormously blessed.  We're going through this time of change and moving forward.  I know that all the things happening are good.  Why is it that I have a more difficult time accepting that good things are happening than accepting the bad?


I'd like to partially chalk it up to pregnancy.  Our bodies have a way of making it blatantly clear just how weak we are.  I feel drained...of everything.  Since I feel drained, I am drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  Yet I know that God can make Himself known to pregnant women.  And He is but not in a feel-good kind of way.  Through the blessing of this pregnancy, through our marriage, and a future job transition which will put me right where I need to be to do the work I have dreamed of doing, He is making Himself very apparent.  We are abundantly blessed.


What do I do in thanks?  What have I done?  I have not spent more time with God.  I have spent less with Him.  I have not even thanked Him appropriately.  He works for all good things in my life, and I'm half asleep.  I'm annoyed with my lack of zeal and thanksgiving.


God is merciful, and in this time where my brain is foggy and my body half asleep He continues to bless me and forgive me.  Lord, please forgive me.

Creation Waits...

For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God.  For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.  For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now.  And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we are saved.
Romans 8:19-24a (ESV)


I've been sitting on this passage for a couple of days now.  It's amazing to me that creation is longing for the day that God will free it from bondage - in direct correlation to God's adoption of his children.  It eagerly awaits when God will reveal the sons of God.  Wow.


I don't have my Study Bible with me right now, but I imagine that this passage can be talking about two different things.
1. Jesus Christ freed creation from the bondage of sin and overcame and will overcome the penalty of sin for those who love him.
2. With each person who passes from death to life (either in this world - as bound by sin - or when one physically dies and gains their eternal life), creation rejoices in God's glory.


This passage reminds me that God's plan of salvation is about so much more than us.  Yes, He loves us and wants to redeem us back to Him.  However, His plan of salvation is about His glory and goodness.  There is no God like the Almighty, Holy God.  He not only deserves our worship just for being God (something that falls on the deaf ears of a rebellious and defiant culture), but He deserves our worship and love because He is a loving, holy, wonderful God.  And creation is eagerly awaiting His plan to be revealed.


The events and problems in our life absolutely will not compare to the reality of God's glory when we see it.  Do we live our life in light of that truth?  It's so easy to get sucked into our daily ordeals or the pain in our life.  Yet when we dwell on our pain we are forgetting God's goodness.  When all we can think of is our troubles, we are making this life more about us than about Him. 


To those who don't truly know God's goodness, that statement sounds as though Christianity is about being insignificant.  The truth is that we are so much more significant but only through Christ.  As a child of God we are infinitely blessed.  As a child of God we should be humbled by that, not prideful or arrogant.  Followers of Christ are humbled by His humble example - He humbled himself even to death on a cross as Philippians reminds us.  Yet in our humility we find much greater joy than if we were to make much of ourselves and our circumstance.  There is no greater love and peace than to rest in His love.

Grace and Hormones

My husband is wonderful.  I find that I'm just a bit of a grouch around him lately.  I know why, but that doesn't make it any less annoying.  Being pregnant makes you a little crazy sometimes - at least it does me.  I really don't want it to get the better of me.  I'm praying for God's power to change my heart and behavior despite the craziness going on inside of my body.

My husband has been not only tolerant but gracious.  When I get annoyed (over absolutely nothing), he doesn't make a big deal over it and at times doesn't even acknowledge it.  Furthermore, he is loving to me.  That's grace.  When your wife is having almost uncontrollable mood shifts and you are loving to her, that speaks volumes of grace.

I've been hard on him - making poopy faces and noises at him.  Very mature.  But he has been loving and kind.  So I need to pull my act together.  I want to love him as he deserves to be loved.
My wonderful husband.

Countercultural Community

I'm reading in James in my ESV Study Bible.  The note for 1:9-11 addresses the rich and poor.  Though the world regards the poor in a negative light and values the riches of man, God loves the poor and Jesus tells us, "You cannot serve God and money."  In this way, we are to be a countercultural community - one that values the poor and gives no brownie points to the rich.

It's seen time and time again how riches destroy a person.  Riches can easily foster pride and greed.  It's madness.  Yes, they can afford more things for themself and their family, but beyond that, why would it be of any value?  Why would it add value to a person?  It doesn't.

Let's replace money with corn.  Early American society was agricultural, so let's say instead of collecting a lot of money one collects a lot of corn.  Wouldn't it be silly for the person who has a lot of corn to assume that he's worth more than someone who has less corn?  It's corn.  Yes, back then it meant that he could trade his corn for wood or cheese.  It's still corn, and it has nothing to do with the worth or character of the collector. 

Money is the same.  It's paper with funny pictures on it.  The one who collects more paper with funny pictures on it can trade it for a chair or a hamburger.  Does the paper with funny pictures on it inerrantly make the collector better than someone who has less paper with funny pictures on it?  It's a comical thought, really.  People puff themselves up because they have collected a lot of paper with funny pictures on it.  That's the fundamental truth of it.

It makes much more sense that those who puff themselves up over paper are confused and maybe a little crazy.  The corn or paper only tempts the collector and reveals the true nature of their soul.  One must ask themself, do I really want that temptation?  Am I ready to test the true nature of my soul?  It's noble to collect paper with funny pictures only to give it to someone else who has less opportunity to attain it.  Let that person trade their paper with funny pictures for something they really need.  When one's true nature is to love more than to collect funny pictures, that person should become a collector.  That person alone.  Doesn't that just make sense?

So let us live counterculturally.  Let us always, always remember that the soul is eternal and wealth is an illusion.  Live for the eternal.

Waiting for God's Sovereign Hand

I had an interview yesterday for a wonderful job at my church.  The verdict is still out - but not for long.  They said they will make their decision and notify myself and the other two interviewees by Friday.  That's tomorrow!  That is quick - maybe too quick for me.  First of all, I'm not sure what I want, but I know why that's the case.  I am absolutely terrified to tell my boss that I am leaving.  I am not so terrified of staying (not being the one hired at the church.), but that is because then I won't have to tell my boss that I'm leaving.

I never enjoy telling someone that I'm leaving, but in this case especially because I know the amount of training it takes for someone in my position to be comfortable, and I know how much his position relies on my position.  It's not bad work.  It's a good company and good people.  The issue is whether or not I want to make a career out of this, and the easy answer is 'no'.  I never intended to.  However, I know what it will do to him to have to interview, hire, and train someone new.  It will not be fun or easy.  So this decision doesn't just affect me.

The other side of this is being willing to move to where God wants me.  If I truly want to be putty in His hands, I have to give when He moves me.  I initially said that if God wants me at the church then He will make it happen - meaning if they want to hire me then it must be where God wants me.  So I've been praying for him to move in my heart but also in theirs so that the decision that comes out of it is what God wants...not what we're trying to orchestrate.

I keep playing bits of the interview back in my head.  During and immediately afterwards I felt like it went well.  After I've been playing it back awhile, I can't believe some of the things that I said.  I'm afraid that at times I came off arrogant, disconnected, or flaky.  I know I'm my worst critic, and I can't truly see myself as they did, but I don't like interviewing!  The entire thing is about me, and that is so awkward.  So my brain goes on "talk about yourself mode" and I don't think that's a great thing.  I don't think it represents me well at all, but if I were to keep my mouth shut, they wouldn't have any answers to their questions and wouldn't learn anything about me.  It's...I don't like it.

It's in God's soverign hands, this I know.  Rather than figuring out what I want, I'm trying to just listen and continue to pray that God's will be done.  I want to be wherever He wants me.  I trust Him.  I love Him.  I want Him to continue to mold me and transform me.  Only He knows how that's best accomplished.

Father, I know that you love me.  I pray for peace and acceptance of this outcome.  May the church find the person that they need to best function.  I don't care if that's me or someone else.  It's not as important that I'm there as that the missions are met and hearts are changed.  I know I have a lot to learn.  If, however, I am that person, Lord please help me through the next steps.  They would be incredibly difficult for me.  Thank you for the understanding and support I've had from my husband.  I know that you will continue to care for our family.  I love you and trust you.  In Jesus' name I pray these things. Amen.

To Stay or Go...that is the question

Not that the opportunity has been presented to me, only the potential of an opportunity, yet already I wonder if given the opportunity to leave my job, will I do it?

After much thought and prayer, I think that if God opens the door then I should step through.

It's not that I wish to leave the secular world so I can live in a safe, little Christian bubble.  I'm just very excited to be a part of the work to reach those in our community and to help support missions.  That sounds like an answered prayer.  Whether it is an answered prayer or not will depend on whether I get the job. 

I'm feeling more and more like if I am offered the position, then I need to take it - even if it will be a difficult thing to do.  Because long-term, I would much rather be doing that work than this work.

The one concern is maternity leave.  As far as I know, there is nothing offered at the new place - because the workers were typically older.  However, now they have an ever increasing younger staff - and women typically need some kind of maternity coverage.

A beautiful blessing is that I think I do have a way to save money for that time.  That, and there's Christmas, baby shower, birthday, and our tax return to all help with it.  Somehow, we will find a way.  God will provide for our family.  He's the reason we need to consider our funds while we are expecting this beautiful blessing to begin with.

As a friend recently said, "The areas of my life that I don't give over to God are those that most exhaust me."
I could worry myself to death over this and try to think of ways to "ensure" that all will go a certain way - though I have little idea what I want or should do.  So I need to take my hands off and see what happens, which I think I'm doing pretty well.

Only time will tell what God alone knows.

The Gift of New Life

Nothing is as precious, as fragile and amazing as a new life.  When a woman becomes pregnant, it is a tremendous gift and miraculous process, full of endless possibilities for something to go wrong.  The fact that most babies complete this process and are born healthy is nothing short of God's miracle.

I miscarried over a year ago, as I've previously blogged.  It was shocking.  It was so, so early in the pregnancy, and the final answer (if there ever could be one) was that it was most likely rejected due to a chromosomal error.  Though there was absolutely no reason to believe that I would have trouble conceiving again, my body went absolutely wacky...for about a year.  So due to the miscarriage and the crazy year, I lost trust in my body and questioned whether I would conceive again - or be able to yet for quite some time.

I am now 5 weeks pregnant, and there are no signs that anything is wrong.  I've read when a woman gets pregnant after a miscarriage she will be uneasy until she passes the time of her last miscarriage.  I have passed that time and I can say that some relief has come, but overall I have a hard time getting attached just yet.  I even forget that I'm pregnant at times.  Usually my reminder is when I eat - or am hungry or tired.  I'm just reluctant to admit to myself that things might actually be okay.  Not to be pessimistic, but because I was devastated last time.  I suppose I'm subconsciously protecting myself.

I think I'll feel better still once I see the heartbeat on the first ultrasound at 8 weeks.  At this point, my only confirmation is a missed period and two lines on a stick.  That should be a lot, but despite some minor pregnancy symptoms I feel normal.

If this little person is to be a new blessing to our family, it is quite miraculous indeed.  It will be a joy to add another little one to our family.  Matthew will be a wonderful big brother, and Chad and I are better equipped to be parents now than we were the first time around.  It's a gracious gift from God to be a parent.  I feel so blessed to have all that we do, and I try to enjoy the thought because it could be my last pregnancy.  Only God knows.  Truly, the only thing I care about is if the baby is healthy.
But we have family members secretly praying it's a girl.  :o)

Awaiting the Acceptance of Joy

I miscarried in July of 2009.  It was devestating to me.  I felt betrayed by my body and lost faith in it.  I was crushed that it happened to me.  I only thank God that I miscarried so early.  It was likely due to a chromosomal error, and my body rejected it.  So as this last week has progressed and I have suspected that I am (finally) pregnant after that ordeal, I find that joy is not quick to come.


I am hesitant to take a pregnancy test - even now as I am 3 days late.  I have been skeptical and still distrusting of my body.  Though logically I know that miscarriage is quite common and there's no reason for me to suspect that I can't have more children, I still wait as the hours and the days tick by, waiting to see if I will lose this one as well.  So far...not a sign that I will.


I felt some relief this morning, that there is still no sign that something is going wrong.  I do feel a lot of twinges and occasional achiness, but nothing to be alarmed about.  I didn't have all of the symptoms that I do now when I miscarried.  That's promising.  Yet I remain cautious.  I don't remember feeling all of the twinging with Matthew.  I know that each pregnancy is different.  Hope is slowly and bravely rising.  I need to decide when I will take the test.


It's not so much about knowing whether I am or am not pregnant.  I am certain at this point that I am.  It's about the visible confirmation that I am.  At that point, I have to accept it.  Then if I miscarry, I have to accept that as well.  It's all in my head, I know. 


Whatever God has planned, I know that we will be okay.  I truly believe that.  His presence is the greatest blessing.  Here's my life.  Let it be all for You.

The Ridiculousness of Materialism

It strikes in the oddest places and moments...materialism.  Like a plague in the hearts of mankind, we fall prey to this dillusion.  My recent encounter with materialism involved...the Bible.

I spent many moments pondering what kind of new Bible I would like to have - what size, version, color, translation.  I ordered a new Study Bible (thinking that the ESV version I had was too big) because I kept seeing others with it.  I don't regret ordering it (though I have yet to see it in the mail) because it will be different from what I have.  It will focus on the people of the Bible and their character, which will help me apply the lessons better to my character.  I don't regret ordering it.

However, the complication comes when my thoughts become consumed with it, and I start scanning the internet and taking careful note of what everyone else has.  In the end, the irony is that my ESV Study Bible is not too big, and I'm going to be digging into it, personalizing it, becoming more acquainted with it.  It's a good Study Bible.  How foolish are we to believe that the answers to our soul's desires are in a certain kind of Bible.

The Bible is God's Word.  There is nothing more powerful or transformative than His words.  Even aware of that, I somehow got sucked into this insanity.  Satan will use even our desire for God as a way to tempt us and distract us from Him.

Thanks be to God for His love and mercy.  With arms open wide, He embraces us as we are and gently calls us back to Him, to truth, and to clarity once again.

Overwhelming Joy

The joy of the Lord is so fulfilling that it overflows unlike anything else.  This morning I was singing the Christy Nockels version of Marvelous Light, and I could hardly sing through my joy.  When I tried to reign it in so I could sing, tears squeezed out from the corner of my eyes.  I can't imagine the joy being in God's presence.  It would surely stop a human heart.  Only the spirit that God sustains could survive it.

I've been thinking about my grandfather a lot lately.  Tuesday night while I was listening to The Old Rugged Cross in preparation for worship rehearsal on Wednesday night, my mom told me that it was grandpa's favorite.  He passed away in 1998, and I can't say I knew him really well.  I used to spend parts of summers in New Mexico, where they used to live.  He was always fun - laughing, joking around.  He was a joy.  Then he got sick, and he spent many years sick; down in the basement in his chair watching TV.  My mom was visiting them in New Mexico when he died.  She was actually the one who found him.  He was slumped over on his bed, either getting in or getting out.  I can't imagine what that must have been like for her.  Surreal, I suppose.
I never thought much about my grandpa's salvation.  I didn't know him well enough to know his faith.  I knew they always went to church - Church of Christ, like my other grandparents.  I've just never thought much about where he is.  I've wondered.  "Is he in misery now or incomparable joy?" 

This morning as I was rejoicing in my car on my way to work, I once again remembered my grandpa.  I felt something I can only describe as peace.  Not peace like, "Finally!  I got a minute to myself," or, "I finally feel resolved about this or that."  Peace.  And almost an understanding, a feeling of peace that said, "He's here."  I understand that what I think and feel doesn't change reality, but I also know that God is a personal and loving God who does speak to and move through His people.

As many times as I have thought about the way our nation's "celebrity" craze effects the way we look at Christian music and worship - and the way that has made me uncomfortable in my corporate worship when we're leading worship - I know that God has gifted me musically for the praise of His name and to bless me with the joy of enjoying that desire of my heart, talent, and gift of God.  How rude it would be to squelch it, since it is a gift from God - with a purpose for ministry.

"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him.  Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.  Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy.  For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does.  The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."
Psalm 33 1-5

30 Days to a no-regret life

This book that we're doing at church, One Month to Live, is a great book.  It's been wonderful in clarifying that #1 I need to leave my job and #2 my marriage is vital.  It's been so healing in our marriage just by setting some things straight in my head.  I really love my husband.  That sounds so silly to say, but I really, really do.  Learning to accept and forgive has freed me to love more.

I wanted to write down my convictions that it asks me to list, on Day 25.
These are convictions that I believe to be timeless:
1. You can't go wrong as long as you love
2. You don't get points for doing it or for doing it well, but doing it with grace
3. You must serve in order to lead
4. Aside from God, people should always take priority
5. Image is decieving - and often damaging

It also asks me to list the character traits that I would like to be remembered for:
1. Love
2. Patience
3. Grace
4. Joy
5. Gentleness

I love that it asks me to list these things because they act as a guideline for my behavior.  Does my behavior at any given moment reflect my convictions or the character I would like to be remembered for?

I'm really eager to see what God is doing in our family.  Sometimes it feels like chaos, but I know that He is behind it all because He is good.  Despite my faults, flaws, failures, and weaknesses He is good and blesses us - so that we may be a blessing to others, for the praise and glory of His name.

A Year of Growth - & the beginning of the 30 Day Challenge

Ok, it's not quite the end of the year, but we're on the back stretch - and the end of the year seems to go by far too quickly.  As I'm reflecting back on this year I realize that since pretty much the very first day of the year, God has been working in my heart to give my life completely to him. 

That very first sermon of the year, I remember admitting my addictions.  I wish I could say that I did away with them entirely and haven't looked back, but I suppose it just doesn't work that way with addictions.  I've battled them this entire year - sometimes there have been months and months of not going back (not even looking back).  It takes so little sometimes to make us slide off our path.  In those moments of weakness, I'm somehow convincing myself that it's not that big of a deal - "just one wasted evening won't matter."  It's nonsense.

Our church is now doing a study called "One Month to Live", following the book.  The premise is that if you knew you had one month to live, what would you change - and what's keeping you from making those changes now.  First of all, we are all dying.  We just don't know when our last breath will be taken.  However, we live in a safe little bubble to get by rather than living as though we're alive.  What struck me last night as I read in the book is their observation that we're all living the dash in between birth and death date.  One day our lives will be reduced to a tombstone, where the only thing someone will know about us is our birth and death dates and maybe a quote or something that expresses what was important to us.
So if our life is a dash, this duration of time on earth, why do we live as though we're sustaining ourselves as though the end will never come?

More specifically for my life, I can't stand that I spend eight or nine hours a day (A DAY!) in an office (often in one chair in the office) typing, filing, printing, calling, etc, etc. 
My son is growing up. 
There is so much I could do in life. 
I'm using basically nothing of what God has blessed me with. 
Those are my three contentions with being at work all day.  Being at this work everyday.

It's not that it's a bad job, but for my life, it's a bit pointless.  I have struggled with this for years.  I'm feeling a boiling over coming.  The point is, if I had one month to live, this job would be the very first thing to go.  This job is a sustainer, a get-by-er.  It's not living.  It's not using this life in a way that praises God.  Yes, we can praise God in all places, all circumstances, and all seasons of our lives.  My point is that I truly, truly feel that this season in my life should be just that, a season.  I feel this season wearing on me, and I see little point in staying.  I am here until there is any opportunity not to be here - but that is an entirely different blog entry.

The bottom line is that the reason this all wears on me is because I don't want to just live in the inbetween moments.  I don't want to live my life for God in those in between moments.  Let me please clarify that it's not as though I come to work, go braindead and think nothing of the kingdom of God until 4:30 when I head home.  That is absolutely not true.  I understand that we are the kingdom everywhere we are and go.  God is molding us to His image, and that is in every moment.
My point is that I'm ready to turn my life over to God in a bigger way.  I don't feel like I'm articulating this well.
Let me try to explain this way.  The book I'm reading now asks on Day 1 that you list five things you would change if you knew you had one month to live.  My list looks like this:
1. Work part-time (combination of sources for income)
2. Love and have grace and mercy for my husband and son more
3. That my work would be an extension of who I am & what I value
4. Be more present for family, even across the miles
5. My heart and faith would be prominent in my life (all aspects, all relationships)

Those are listed vaguely, but what it all boils down to is that every breath of my day would be in the freedom to be an ambassador for Christ - that my relationships would be filled with love, grace, and mercy; that my life would be in service to the relationships in my life; that any kind of work or service that I do is an extension of my faith; that my eulagy would be that I loved whole-heartedly and lived in a way that gave the most glory to God as I could in my little life.

It's not that I can't give of myself in my job.  That's not the point.  The point, the real point of this entire entry, is that God has been pulling my heart along this year, molding and humbling it.  I'm now at a point that I want to give God more glory - and I need to be free to use my talents in order to do that.  It is just that simple. 

I don't want to live a life where I was locked into a job and made lemons out of lemonade.  I want to live a life that joyfully declares that my reason for living, and every decision I make, is my love for God.

I can say nothing more in this blog that more beautifully explains my heart than that last sentence.

Reverence for His Word

I'm sometimes stuck by the casual way people approach the Bible.  To be fair, I try to think back to the way that I once approached the Bible.  However, honestly, I don't remember ever coming to the scriptures in an informal disposition.  I was more casual than I probably should have been, and I was often looking for a way for it to meet my needs - rather than seeking God in every line.  Now that I read the Bible reverently, understanding that it is God Himself that speaks these words and knowing their transforming power, I am offended when someone does not value His words.

When my husband decided that he needed his own Bible, we went to the Christian bookstore and scanned the aisles for the one that he would like the best.  I wasn't sure what kind of reaction he would have to all of the Bibles, and ultimately to the one he would choose.  It's understandable that someone would be uncertain what to get when standing in front of so many different translations and types of Bibles.  When he finally decided on the right type and design, his hands smoothed over the covers as he soaked in that this was his Bible.  It was such a precious moment.

Yet the Bible is not just about the cover, type or translation.  The Bible's transformative value is inside.  It is when people have access to it and ignore it or take it for granted that my soul aches.  You have the words of God in your hands...you hold the truths to the universe, our existence, and the explanation for everything in our world in your hands...you have access to the power that can transform your life in a way you can't yet understand and still...the desire to seek it out, the desire to spend your evening reading it, the desire to spend time in it rather than doing something trivial is nearly absent.

I don't want to come off self-righteous in this.  Absolutely I have had times when I've chosen to do something ridiculous rather than read the Bible or worship God.  You bet.  It has and will happen.  However, ultimately, the Bible is a part of my regular diet in life - and I don't rely on someone else to spoon feed it to me.

My salvation is ultimately my responsibility - as is yours.

"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

It does not say 'have someone else try to figure out what you want to know; have someone else seek out your answers; have someone else knock on the door for you....and then you will be grateful and receive all you need.'  That's just silly.

The difficult thing is that when someone you love so dearly is not truly asking, seeking, or knocking there is little you can do but continue to provide whatever they do desire, at whatever level of dedication, however great or small.

The appropriate way to approach the Bible is with reverence.  I cannot think of a better way or a way more plain to put it.  To me, reverence is respect; it is awe; it is love and understanding.  There is nothing casual in reverence; nothing disrespectful; nothing presumptuous.

God in His great grace, love, and faithfulness answers us in our unworthy approach to Him.  But that is what discloses our sin.  It does not deem us worthy or our approach acceptable.  The more we understand that His grace and forgiveness answers us even in our disrespectful ways should propel us to more reverently approaching Him.  That leads to a deeper understanding of God.  Let us not be ungrateful, disrespectful children to the Almighty God.

The Precious Gifts of Sweet Faithfulness

Last night as I cuddled up to my hubby, he said, "I'm so thankful for you."  For some men, this may be more common, but not for my husband.  In our six years of marriage, this is the first time I've heard those words from his mouth.  He's written it in cards before.  Never spoken the words.  I don't say this to show ways my husband is not verbal, I share this to show how God has changed our marriage.  God has worked a wonder in our lives.

We have been through a lot of transitions.  One of the most unusual for most marriages was his second deployment to Iraq from the time I was 6 months pregnant to when our son was 8 months old, living in a new state where I knew no one.  That was a true challenge.  Even moreso was the recovery from that separation and adjusting to the new little person in our family at the same time.  Place that on top of the normal marriage stuff - new jobs, finances, friends, family, learning to be man & wife in a society that praises individualism - and you have an interesting situation.  In addition, he's a police officer, which means his hours are strange compared to the 9 to 5 business men and he has different pressures and is exposed to bizarre things and troubled people, unlike the rest of us.  The odds aren't exactly with us in our marriage.  But God uses all of this to display His power and love.

In addition to all of that above, for the vast majority of our marriage, I have been a believer and he has not.  This causes tension - when the believer is still a sinner and wants the unbeliever to be at the same point spiritually or when the unbeliever is to be the head of the household and the believer is to submit to their decisions...it can be maddening.  There's so much more to write about this, but there's just not the space.  It would be a short novel.  Maybe it's one worth writing.  But for a blog, I will just have to trust that the believers reading this will understand and those who do not know Jesus will hopefully pull what is beautiful out of it, even if there are questions. 

This time last year, I was in tears a lot.  It seemed impossible that our marriage could be healthy.  It seemed impossible that my husband would have the desire to know God.  I had begun to resign myself to living in a marriage that was not what it could be, not what it should be.  I would never divorce him, and so I decided that I needed to just accept that my marriage would never be what others were.  Though I was married, I would not let my marriage define me.  If it meant living cordially with happiness interspersed, that's what I would do.  I would love him regardless of what that meant for our marriage, and trust that God would somehow be glorified in the process.  After a nasty battle within - trying to figure out how I could help my husband along, and doing an awful job at it - I took my hands off the matter.  I gave it over to God.

I can't tell you exactly when I took my hands off of it, what happened next, or when my husband surprised me with the news that he was going to do a Bible study with our friend Dan.  I can tell you that it was less than a year...maybe less than six months.  I can tell you that it was not immediate; it was a process and still is.  I can tell you that my husband has surprised me over and over and that I can take credit for absolutely nothing.  It is not my words or wisdom that have changed our marriage.  It is God and God alone.  He is the changer of hearts.  He changed mine and my husband's and continues to do so.  Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started coming to church with me.  I never gave him a hard time about it and I never asked him to join me.  Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started meeting with Dan once a week for a Bible study.  I was not involved in that at all and I don't check up on his progress.  Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband began leading prayer at our meal times.  I never asked him to do so and I don't require him to do it when he doesn't.  Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband held me last night and spoke those precious words, "I'm so thankful for you."  I never expected or demanded him to say it.  I did not congratulate him on any of his progress.  I simply say, "I'm so thankful for you, too.  I love you so much."

Words are nothing if they are only words.  I think our puffed up society puts too much emphasis on them.  God created our mouths - they are a powerful and terrible thing.  If spoken with words from the Spirit, our mouths speak truth and love.  If spoken with words of pride or pretty much anything else, our mouths are terrible weapons of pain and destruction.  We do not need words to convey our love or accomplish much of anything.  In fact, God guides women in His great wisdom in 1 Peter 3 to be very cautious with our words.

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.  Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beautfy of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Women's lib would tell you that those words are oppressive.  I argue that they are wise and that women's lib sometimes just makes a lot of noise.
Those words are not meant to shut women up or make them unattractive.  Quite the contrary, they empower women and make them more beautiful.  God does not let women solve their problems with a few words.  Words are not power if they are not rooted in truth.  Often times, words are just noise.  It's just not possible to solve problems with a few words.  If God allowed us to do so, He would not require us to challenge ourselves from the inside out.  It is with my "respectful and pure conduct" that my presence is most effective - not in my words.  It is through "the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" that my husband will value my true intentions and the beauty of our relationship.  Ladies, you cannot talk your way out of this.  You can't just gussy yourself up and expect everything to be fixed.  There's no "easy" button - despite what our shallow, lazy culture would tell us. 

I need to look no further than my own peace and happiness and the beauty of our marriage to show that this wisdom is true.  I don't need to convince women with a drawn out, persuasive argument.  I only need to put our marriage on display.  You can't argue with that, even if you would like to.  This is God's great wisdom, in putting our marriage through turmoil and healing, no one can argue against the transformation that has taken place, and continues to take place, in our marriage.  In taking away my part in my husband's spiritual growth, no one can argue philosophy or psychology.  And believe me, I tried to have my part in it.  I did nothing but make things worse.  The only One to receive credit for our marriage is God.  There is simply no way to argue it.  God, in His great wisdom, has intentionally left no room for that.

Last night, after my husband and I shared that moment, he went to the grocery store to grab a  few things.  When he left, I sat with our two-year old and felt the great gift that he is and they way he refines me daily.  We prayed a prayer of thanks to God for our family.  Then he went back to playing with his play-doh.  I took a few steps and fell to my knees and continued to thank God.  With a joy in my heart so great that it almost hurt and tears in my eyes, I praised God for His great faithfulness - for the love and joy in our family that He has made possible.  My cup overflowith.

The Sickness of Sin

Soul sickness plagues us all.  I am no more ill with sin now than I was before I knew Christ.  (I believe I am less ill now than before.)  The difference is that when you live with a chronic illness, when it is all you know, you do not realize the depths of your illness.  When you've been cured of it and then fall ill again, you are more aware of the ugliness of that illness.  Likewise, when you've been freed from a certain sin and then fall back into it, the sickness is awful where it had once been the norm.

In January, I was freed from the pain of a certain soul sickness.  It was actually a fairly painful process.  As those in withdrawal face the moments of yearning for their addiction, I felt the same temptation - sin calling me back into old habits.  The Spirit fights within me to keep me from it.  Twice since that day in January, I have fallen back into it.  Though not for long, thanks be to God, it throws me back into the loop - from freedom, to temptation, to sickness, healing and withdrawal.  Each time, I realize what a fool I am for toying with temptation. 

The humbling part of it all is the reminder that I am only human - a sinful woman saved only through the grace and love of God.  I boast of nothing, except Jesus Christ.  The beautiful part of it all is that these temptations have been strongest right after something remarkable has happened, some beautiful strive forward in my walk with God, some new realization or after more deeply submitting to Him.  The war that rages within - Satan once again torments me with my sin in order to keep me from that which I know to be true and from being effective in the kingdom.  And once again, he ultimately fails - poor, desperate fool that he is.  Because my God is merciful and faithful, Satan spins his pitiful wheels and though he causes me pain, I rejoice in the struggle because in his attempt to derail me, he is only a instrument in strengthening me.  Most pitiful and foolish of all is he who time and time again challenges the Almighty.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:2-4 (ESV)

Psalm 24 - July 21, 2010

The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it: for he founded it upon the sea and established it upon the waters.

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false. He will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob.
Psalm 24:1-6 (NIV)
I love this Psalm that so beautifully brings us back to God the Creator and reminds us that through God, Jesus Christ our Savior, we will be vindicated and through Him we may ascend to God's holy place.

Walking in the Garden...Everyday - July 20, 2010

I'm reading A.W. Tozer's The Purpose of Man: Designed to Worship. It's quite possibly the most wonderful thing I've ever read - written by man. I love this man's heart for God. I love that he's not showy or interested in being anything more than a child of God.

Early on in the book he takes us back to the garden of Eden to remind us that God created us for His worship and fellowship. God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden, and no doubt He was broken when that fellowship was lost. Our God loves us so deeply and wants that time with us. He is Jealous for us.
We were created to worship. As Tozer points out, because of the fall we suffer from spiritual amnesia. We forget that we're created by God for God and that in that we find ultimate fulfillment - because that's how we are designed. So if we don't worship God we will find something else to worship. This is the great tragedy.
I focus so much on the work that I think I should be doing. And the truth of the matter is that a part of that is rooted in trying to be good enough or do what I think I should do as a Christian. Even when it flows from my faith, if it's not flowing from my worship of God, it's not rooted as it should be. I love that Tozer says, "God is infinitely more concerned that He has worshipers than that He has workers...I do not think we should ever work until we learn to worship." It makes my heart leap for joy. It relieves something in me and makes sense of so much for me. Anytime I feel like I'm groping for my task or mission or work or purpose, these two lines confirm in me that the reason for that confusion and frustration is because I'm forgetting who I am and why God created me.
He does not need me to sing for him (He needs absolutely nothing from me), but He's placed a harp in my heart (as Tozer describes) so that I may sing praises for Him. Just as the bird sings for our enjoyment, God has created us to sing worship to Him - in our heart, through our lives, our fellowship with Him, our praises for Him, and in my life, He gifts me with a warble in my throat with endless songs like the nightengale. It gives me such great joy to know that He created me to lift my voice for Him simply for His enjoyment. How precious we are.
I don't need to worry about my task from day to day. He did not create me to work, though He blesses me with those moments to serve; to practice my faith and mold me into His image. He created me to Worship. Tozer goes on to say, "out of our deep worship flows our work for Him."
The bottom line is that I don't need to try so hard. I don't need to run as fast as I can to cure the hurt in the world or respond in the most effective way or find another way to make things better or serve or be in the right place for whatever work there is. Don't get me wrong. It's good to serve. He calls us to serve. He calls us to reflect God's light and love to the world. However, that light shines out of us in response to our worship of the Almighty.
I want to walk in the garden with my Creator and praise His holiness and rejoice in His great love for us. I want to kneel before Him and reach up in love for Him. I want fellowship with my Creator.
This may be a digression, but I think it's important to mention. Something about this pure pursuit of worshiping God in Spirit and truth reveals how idolatry creeps in, even in our churches. Our worship should be fully for God, not mostly. Our attention should be fully on God, not mostly. We lift our worship stages above the rest of the congregation and perpetuate the western culture's idea of church service. I'm not convinced that the way we do it pursues pure worship to God. I think it tempts people to idolize those on stage. In our own churches, we play with fire and some are getting burned.
I think for some it's well intended, and I think for others it's excusing that kind of idolatry in the name of more impactful or passionate worhsip. It churns my stomach. Why in front of everyone? Why up on a stage? How can we be better about this?? I fully understand the need to project the sound to a large room full of people. I understand the importance of keeping everyone on the same tempo. But I will never be convinced that this is the best way to do it. My heart aches at the way that I know it stirs idolatry in hearts.
Christian music teeters at times as well. Whenever we are more attentive to the person on stage, their talents, music, clothes, movements, or whatever it is more than we are attentive to our God (even when the person on stage is in competition of any kind with God's praises, whether they intend for that to happen or not) we are playing with this ugly sin of idolatry. We don't need Christian music to worship. We must be careful of any dependency on it. We must be careful that our worship is not pure worship in Spirit and truth. If we are not careful, we will fall into the same trap that Hollywood perpetuates, and as children of the Almighty God it should not be so.
Our God deserves our worhsip and love and adoration because He created us out of His love and desire to be with us. He is all powerful, merciful, just, and gracious. He is the Creator of the heavens and earth and yet He desires to intimately walk with us. Through the saving blood of Jesus Christ we can return to the garden and walk with our God. Where sin has created a chasm and spit us out of the garden, our loving Lord calls us, beckons us back to walk in the coolness of the day with Him. There we meet our Creator and joy unspeakable as we find ultimate fulfillment in our true purpose - pure worship of our amazing God in Spirit and truth.

A thorn... - July 12, 2010

Nothing bums me out more than having to watch or listen to myself on a recording. What I notice, in retrospect, is that the Spirit is missing when I'm watching. It's just me, which is obnoxious. I've never been good at watching or listening to myself. All I see is what's wrong. It's not until later...often times years later...that I can watch it back and appreciate it for what it was.

I suppose the worst part about it is that it takes away my steam. The experience is worse than humbling. Any drive I had for sharing my music with others or pursuing something more with it is just destroyed. Why would I want to spread that around?? It takes me days, sometimes weeks, to get over. The bottom line is...don't watch/listen to yourself, Jen. All I can do is the best I can do. Nothing will change that.
The Holy Spirit truly works through people who are not worthy.
Ugh. Lord help me.

Living as an Eternal Soul in a Fast Food Culture - June 18, 2010

My lack of sight and patience pains me. I am constantly falling back into the same traps as I have previously, sometimes repeatedly, been dug out of. I once heard a man explain how he could understand how God's people who had been led out of Egypt in Exodus could grumble and become impatient only three days after having witnessed such remarkable miracles as the splitting of the Red Sea and the pillar of fire. He said he could completely believe it because we forget all the time that Jesus Christ was crucified, dead and burried and then raised again by God for the salvation of undeserving and grumbling sinners. That is a far more miraculous event than anything else in history - and we forget and grumble all the time.

Last night I was reminded of Jesus' words when the disciples had come back from being sent out. They were amazed because they had authority over even the demons. Jesus tells them that they should not be so amazed or thankful for that but that their names are written in heaven. He points us back to our eternal blessing and existence. Our jobs do not define us. Our success does not make us worth more. Often our daily duties and success (our job, friendships, hobbies, etc.) can be a distraction from the big picture. I am guilty, guilty, guilty of this.
We are defined by God's love and mercy as children of God, and our worth is hidden in Christ in heaven.
Our joy and thankfulness should daily come from knowing that God's love for us is so great that He sent His son to die (physically and spiritually) so that we may live eternally in His glory - so that our names can be written in heaven.
Christ broke all bonds of death and endured what we never will.
He conqured more than physical death. He conqured spiritual death and gives eternal life, beyond what I can yet imagine.
Our tasks and successes are not more amazing than Christ's death and resurrection.
I'm constantly caught up in what I think I should be doing. Helping who? Reading what? Accomplishing what? Learning and listening to what? I beat myself up, and I have a hard time staying on course without detouring to another task because of the sheer magnitude of the things that need to be done. The result is that I become exhausted. I feel inadequate, ineffective, pointless, and confused. What's the point in running a race that is so impossible to beat? I'm moving at a snail's pace trying to help all the hurt in the world and the hurt of the world is flying at the speed of light. My perspective is too small for the plans of God.
So in my exhaustion, I end up wasting my evenings away because I feel like it makes no difference one way or the other.
The big picture is that I want results now...no, I want results yesterday. I can't see that anything I'm doing is making a tremendous difference, and so I give up. I become weak. No, I am already weak. I become tired of trying. I expect that things should be different, that lives will all be transformed and the rewards will be poured onto my doorstep. When it doesn't go according to my plan, I lose sight and steam. God is so patient with me.
I have said repeatedly that "I just want something to happen!" I want to do something big to bring God glory. I don't think there's anything wrong with that desire. Like a child wanting to throw a huge party for their Mom or Dad, of course that's a sweet sentiment. It becomes a problem when the party becomes about the child. When things don't go the way the child wanted and the child gives up. Even if the party doesn't happen, it shouldn't be about the child. Mom or Dad has every right to move the date or time or change the guest list. It's not about the child's schedule, friends, or status.
I am an eternal soul. I live in a culture that can have a meal prepared for me in a matter of minutes; a culture that expects everything else to happen just as quickly. Instant gratification is the expectation. I beat myself up when something big doesn't happen every week. I blame myself for being lazy if I do nothing - which ignores the sovereign hand of God. And then on the other side, I use God's sovereign hand as a way to be lazy. "If it's God's will it will happen," - which ignores the importance of a soul willing and yielding to do God's work.
I am an eternal soul.
So when someone needs a moment from me, I have it. When someone is taking too long, it's okay. If I need to study specific scripture or a lesson, I should take the time to fully do that before I move on to something else. God will leave me on Earth as long as He has something else for me to do. I have time to take the time to complete all of it. I will not run out of time. I am an eternal soul.