Last night as I cuddled up to my hubby, he said, "I'm so thankful for you." For some men, this may be more common, but not for my husband. In our six years of marriage, this is the first time I've heard those words from his mouth. He's written it in cards before. Never spoken the words. I don't say this to show ways my husband is not verbal, I share this to show how God has changed our marriage. God has worked a wonder in our lives.
We have been through a lot of transitions. One of the most unusual for most marriages was his second deployment to Iraq from the time I was 6 months pregnant to when our son was 8 months old, living in a new state where I knew no one. That was a true challenge. Even moreso was the recovery from that separation and adjusting to the new little person in our family at the same time. Place that on top of the normal marriage stuff - new jobs, finances, friends, family, learning to be man & wife in a society that praises individualism - and you have an interesting situation. In addition, he's a police officer, which means his hours are strange compared to the 9 to 5 business men and he has different pressures and is exposed to bizarre things and troubled people, unlike the rest of us. The odds aren't exactly with us in our marriage. But God uses all of this to display His power and love.
In addition to all of that above, for the vast majority of our marriage, I have been a believer and he has not. This causes tension - when the believer is still a sinner and wants the unbeliever to be at the same point spiritually or when the unbeliever is to be the head of the household and the believer is to submit to their decisions...it can be maddening. There's so much more to write about this, but there's just not the space. It would be a short novel. Maybe it's one worth writing. But for a blog, I will just have to trust that the believers reading this will understand and those who do not know Jesus will hopefully pull what is beautiful out of it, even if there are questions.
This time last year, I was in tears a lot. It seemed impossible that our marriage could be healthy. It seemed impossible that my husband would have the desire to know God. I had begun to resign myself to living in a marriage that was not what it could be, not what it should be. I would never divorce him, and so I decided that I needed to just accept that my marriage would never be what others were. Though I was married, I would not let my marriage define me. If it meant living cordially with happiness interspersed, that's what I would do. I would love him regardless of what that meant for our marriage, and trust that God would somehow be glorified in the process. After a nasty battle within - trying to figure out how I could help my husband along, and doing an awful job at it - I took my hands off the matter. I gave it over to God.
I can't tell you exactly when I took my hands off of it, what happened next, or when my husband surprised me with the news that he was going to do a Bible study with our friend Dan. I can tell you that it was less than a year...maybe less than six months. I can tell you that it was not immediate; it was a process and still is. I can tell you that my husband has surprised me over and over and that I can take credit for absolutely nothing. It is not my words or wisdom that have changed our marriage. It is God and God alone. He is the changer of hearts. He changed mine and my husband's and continues to do so. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started coming to church with me. I never gave him a hard time about it and I never asked him to join me. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started meeting with Dan once a week for a Bible study. I was not involved in that at all and I don't check up on his progress. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband began leading prayer at our meal times. I never asked him to do so and I don't require him to do it when he doesn't. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband held me last night and spoke those precious words, "I'm so thankful for you." I never expected or demanded him to say it. I did not congratulate him on any of his progress. I simply say, "I'm so thankful for you, too. I love you so much."
Words are nothing if they are only words. I think our puffed up society puts too much emphasis on them. God created our mouths - they are a powerful and terrible thing. If spoken with words from the Spirit, our mouths speak truth and love. If spoken with words of pride or pretty much anything else, our mouths are terrible weapons of pain and destruction. We do not need words to convey our love or accomplish much of anything. In fact, God guides women in His great wisdom in 1 Peter 3 to be very cautious with our words.
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beautfy of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
Women's lib would tell you that those words are oppressive. I argue that they are wise and that women's lib sometimes just makes a lot of noise.
Those words are not meant to shut women up or make them unattractive. Quite the contrary, they empower women and make them more beautiful. God does not let women solve their problems with a few words. Words are not power if they are not rooted in truth. Often times, words are just noise. It's just not possible to solve problems with a few words. If God allowed us to do so, He would not require us to challenge ourselves from the inside out. It is with my "respectful and pure conduct" that my presence is most effective - not in my words. It is through "the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" that my husband will value my true intentions and the beauty of our relationship. Ladies, you cannot talk your way out of this. You can't just gussy yourself up and expect everything to be fixed. There's no "easy" button - despite what our shallow, lazy culture would tell us.
I need to look no further than my own peace and happiness and the beauty of our marriage to show that this wisdom is true. I don't need to convince women with a drawn out, persuasive argument. I only need to put our marriage on display. You can't argue with that, even if you would like to. This is God's great wisdom, in putting our marriage through turmoil and healing, no one can argue against the transformation that has taken place, and continues to take place, in our marriage. In taking away my part in my husband's spiritual growth, no one can argue philosophy or psychology. And believe me, I tried to have my part in it. I did nothing but make things worse. The only One to receive credit for our marriage is God. There is simply no way to argue it. God, in His great wisdom, has intentionally left no room for that.
Last night, after my husband and I shared that moment, he went to the grocery store to grab a few things. When he left, I sat with our two-year old and felt the great gift that he is and they way he refines me daily. We prayed a prayer of thanks to God for our family. Then he went back to playing with his play-doh. I took a few steps and fell to my knees and continued to thank God. With a joy in my heart so great that it almost hurt and tears in my eyes, I praised God for His great faithfulness - for the love and joy in our family that He has made possible. My cup overflowith.
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