I miscarried in July of 2009. It was devestating to me. I felt betrayed by my body and lost faith in it. I was crushed that it happened to me. I only thank God that I miscarried so early. It was likely due to a chromosomal error, and my body rejected it. So as this last week has progressed and I have suspected that I am (finally) pregnant after that ordeal, I find that joy is not quick to come.
I am hesitant to take a pregnancy test - even now as I am 3 days late. I have been skeptical and still distrusting of my body. Though logically I know that miscarriage is quite common and there's no reason for me to suspect that I can't have more children, I still wait as the hours and the days tick by, waiting to see if I will lose this one as well. So far...not a sign that I will.
I felt some relief this morning, that there is still no sign that something is going wrong. I do feel a lot of twinges and occasional achiness, but nothing to be alarmed about. I didn't have all of the symptoms that I do now when I miscarried. That's promising. Yet I remain cautious. I don't remember feeling all of the twinging with Matthew. I know that each pregnancy is different. Hope is slowly and bravely rising. I need to decide when I will take the test.
It's not so much about knowing whether I am or am not pregnant. I am certain at this point that I am. It's about the visible confirmation that I am. At that point, I have to accept it. Then if I miscarry, I have to accept that as well. It's all in my head, I know.
Whatever God has planned, I know that we will be okay. I truly believe that. His presence is the greatest blessing. Here's my life. Let it be all for You.
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