Our first appointment with the doctor was not a pleasant one. I knew that I hadn't been feeling quite right. While I realize that I've only experienced one pregnancy all the way through and the all pregnancies are different, call it mother's intuition but I knew that something was wrong. The short of it is that my progesterone level was low and my hcg level was "alright". Not like, "it's alright if you come over tonight," but more like, "passing a class with a 'C' is alright." On top of that, the baby is measuring about a week behind and the heartbeat was low. I have another sonogram scheduled this week to make sure that baby is growing and the heartbeat speeds up...or to determine that the baby is not growing.
Best case scenario is that I'm earlier than I thought and though my progesterone was low, the doctor has put me on supplements which have made me feel a ton better (and stopped another alarming symptom I was experiencing). So best case, we will see at this appointment that the baby is growing, the heartbeat is speeding up and the progesterone is working.
Worst case will be that I will miscarry regardless of the supplements.
Either way, this doctor has given me hope. I don't expect that he can save this pregnancy if it's not meant to be. Only God can truly preserve life. If it's not meant to be, there's nothing anyone can do. However, if it's all because my progesterone was low, then there is hope that this baby will go full term and we will have a new member to our family.
Of course, I have struggled greatly with this. I don't want to get too attached, but I don't want to be negative about it. I can't accept that it might all be okay because I know that it might not. While I don't want to experience another miscarriage and go through the heartache and disappointment, I know that I can and will get through and, most importantly, that God still reigns on high. Maybe that sounds like some sort of cheesy, preachy bit, but it's true.
As I was singing in my car on my way back to work after lunch today, the words of the song reminded me that 1) I've done this before and God is still loving and His kingdom still intact and 2) if I have to go through it again I can still rejoice in the fact that He has saved me and it is not the end. I find great joy in knowing that He is unchanging, always loving and merciful, and that His kingdom is unshakable.
Even if I miscarry again, I know that He is with me, and I can rejoice in Him. I will still worship and the Spirit will still come into my heart to give me joy and hope for the future. No matter what happens, I will still be in the love of God.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us fromt he love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39 (NIV)
So whatever the outcome, God will receive my praise. Lord, make my life an offering of praise, no matter the circumstance.
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