My lack of sight and patience pains me. I am constantly falling back into the same traps as I have previously, sometimes repeatedly, been dug out of. I once heard a man explain how he could understand how God's people who had been led out of Egypt in Exodus could grumble and become impatient only three days after having witnessed such remarkable miracles as the splitting of the Red Sea and the pillar of fire. He said he could completely believe it because we forget all the time that Jesus Christ was crucified, dead and burried and then raised again by God for the salvation of undeserving and grumbling sinners. That is a far more miraculous event than anything else in history - and we forget and grumble all the time.
Last night I was reminded of Jesus' words when the disciples had come back from being sent out. They were amazed because they had authority over even the demons. Jesus tells them that they should not be so amazed or thankful for that but that their names are written in heaven. He points us back to our eternal blessing and existence. Our jobs do not define us. Our success does not make us worth more. Often our daily duties and success (our job, friendships, hobbies, etc.) can be a distraction from the big picture. I am guilty, guilty, guilty of this.
We are defined by God's love and mercy as children of God, and our worth is hidden in Christ in heaven.
Our joy and thankfulness should daily come from knowing that God's love for us is so great that He sent His son to die (physically and spiritually) so that we may live eternally in His glory - so that our names can be written in heaven.
Christ broke all bonds of death and endured what we never will.
He conqured more than physical death. He conqured spiritual death and gives eternal life, beyond what I can yet imagine.
Our tasks and successes are not more amazing than Christ's death and resurrection.
I'm constantly caught up in what I think I should be doing. Helping who? Reading what? Accomplishing what? Learning and listening to what? I beat myself up, and I have a hard time staying on course without detouring to another task because of the sheer magnitude of the things that need to be done. The result is that I become exhausted. I feel inadequate, ineffective, pointless, and confused. What's the point in running a race that is so impossible to beat? I'm moving at a snail's pace trying to help all the hurt in the world and the hurt of the world is flying at the speed of light. My perspective is too small for the plans of God.
So in my exhaustion, I end up wasting my evenings away because I feel like it makes no difference one way or the other.
The big picture is that I want results now...no, I want results yesterday. I can't see that anything I'm doing is making a tremendous difference, and so I give up. I become weak. No, I am already weak. I become tired of trying. I expect that things should be different, that lives will all be transformed and the rewards will be poured onto my doorstep. When it doesn't go according to my plan, I lose sight and steam. God is so patient with me.
I have said repeatedly that "I just want something to happen!" I want to do something big to bring God glory. I don't think there's anything wrong with that desire. Like a child wanting to throw a huge party for their Mom or Dad, of course that's a sweet sentiment. It becomes a problem when the party becomes about the child. When things don't go the way the child wanted and the child gives up. Even if the party doesn't happen, it shouldn't be about the child. Mom or Dad has every right to move the date or time or change the guest list. It's not about the child's schedule, friends, or status.
I am an eternal soul. I live in a culture that can have a meal prepared for me in a matter of minutes; a culture that expects everything else to happen just as quickly. Instant gratification is the expectation. I beat myself up when something big doesn't happen every week. I blame myself for being lazy if I do nothing - which ignores the sovereign hand of God. And then on the other side, I use God's sovereign hand as a way to be lazy. "If it's God's will it will happen," - which ignores the importance of a soul willing and yielding to do God's work.
I am an eternal soul.
So when someone needs a moment from me, I have it. When someone is taking too long, it's okay. If I need to study specific scripture or a lesson, I should take the time to fully do that before I move on to something else. God will leave me on Earth as long as He has something else for me to do. I have time to take the time to complete all of it. I will not run out of time. I am an eternal soul.
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