I'm reading in James in my ESV Study Bible. The note for 1:9-11 addresses the rich and poor. Though the world regards the poor in a negative light and values the riches of man, God loves the poor and Jesus tells us, "You cannot serve God and money." In this way, we are to be a countercultural community - one that values the poor and gives no brownie points to the rich.
It's seen time and time again how riches destroy a person. Riches can easily foster pride and greed. It's madness. Yes, they can afford more things for themself and their family, but beyond that, why would it be of any value? Why would it add value to a person? It doesn't.
Let's replace money with corn. Early American society was agricultural, so let's say instead of collecting a lot of money one collects a lot of corn. Wouldn't it be silly for the person who has a lot of corn to assume that he's worth more than someone who has less corn? It's corn. Yes, back then it meant that he could trade his corn for wood or cheese. It's still corn, and it has nothing to do with the worth or character of the collector.
Money is the same. It's paper with funny pictures on it. The one who collects more paper with funny pictures on it can trade it for a chair or a hamburger. Does the paper with funny pictures on it inerrantly make the collector better than someone who has less paper with funny pictures on it? It's a comical thought, really. People puff themselves up because they have collected a lot of paper with funny pictures on it. That's the fundamental truth of it.
It makes much more sense that those who puff themselves up over paper are confused and maybe a little crazy. The corn or paper only tempts the collector and reveals the true nature of their soul. One must ask themself, do I really want that temptation? Am I ready to test the true nature of my soul? It's noble to collect paper with funny pictures only to give it to someone else who has less opportunity to attain it. Let that person trade their paper with funny pictures for something they really need. When one's true nature is to love more than to collect funny pictures, that person should become a collector. That person alone. Doesn't that just make sense?
So let us live counterculturally. Let us always, always remember that the soul is eternal and wealth is an illusion. Live for the eternal.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Waiting for God's Sovereign Hand
I had an interview yesterday for a wonderful job at my church. The verdict is still out - but not for long. They said they will make their decision and notify myself and the other two interviewees by Friday. That's tomorrow! That is quick - maybe too quick for me. First of all, I'm not sure what I want, but I know why that's the case. I am absolutely terrified to tell my boss that I am leaving. I am not so terrified of staying (not being the one hired at the church.), but that is because then I won't have to tell my boss that I'm leaving.
I never enjoy telling someone that I'm leaving, but in this case especially because I know the amount of training it takes for someone in my position to be comfortable, and I know how much his position relies on my position. It's not bad work. It's a good company and good people. The issue is whether or not I want to make a career out of this, and the easy answer is 'no'. I never intended to. However, I know what it will do to him to have to interview, hire, and train someone new. It will not be fun or easy. So this decision doesn't just affect me.
The other side of this is being willing to move to where God wants me. If I truly want to be putty in His hands, I have to give when He moves me. I initially said that if God wants me at the church then He will make it happen - meaning if they want to hire me then it must be where God wants me. So I've been praying for him to move in my heart but also in theirs so that the decision that comes out of it is what God wants...not what we're trying to orchestrate.
I keep playing bits of the interview back in my head. During and immediately afterwards I felt like it went well. After I've been playing it back awhile, I can't believe some of the things that I said. I'm afraid that at times I came off arrogant, disconnected, or flaky. I know I'm my worst critic, and I can't truly see myself as they did, but I don't like interviewing! The entire thing is about me, and that is so awkward. So my brain goes on "talk about yourself mode" and I don't think that's a great thing. I don't think it represents me well at all, but if I were to keep my mouth shut, they wouldn't have any answers to their questions and wouldn't learn anything about me. It's...I don't like it.
It's in God's soverign hands, this I know. Rather than figuring out what I want, I'm trying to just listen and continue to pray that God's will be done. I want to be wherever He wants me. I trust Him. I love Him. I want Him to continue to mold me and transform me. Only He knows how that's best accomplished.
Father, I know that you love me. I pray for peace and acceptance of this outcome. May the church find the person that they need to best function. I don't care if that's me or someone else. It's not as important that I'm there as that the missions are met and hearts are changed. I know I have a lot to learn. If, however, I am that person, Lord please help me through the next steps. They would be incredibly difficult for me. Thank you for the understanding and support I've had from my husband. I know that you will continue to care for our family. I love you and trust you. In Jesus' name I pray these things. Amen.
I never enjoy telling someone that I'm leaving, but in this case especially because I know the amount of training it takes for someone in my position to be comfortable, and I know how much his position relies on my position. It's not bad work. It's a good company and good people. The issue is whether or not I want to make a career out of this, and the easy answer is 'no'. I never intended to. However, I know what it will do to him to have to interview, hire, and train someone new. It will not be fun or easy. So this decision doesn't just affect me.
The other side of this is being willing to move to where God wants me. If I truly want to be putty in His hands, I have to give when He moves me. I initially said that if God wants me at the church then He will make it happen - meaning if they want to hire me then it must be where God wants me. So I've been praying for him to move in my heart but also in theirs so that the decision that comes out of it is what God wants...not what we're trying to orchestrate.
I keep playing bits of the interview back in my head. During and immediately afterwards I felt like it went well. After I've been playing it back awhile, I can't believe some of the things that I said. I'm afraid that at times I came off arrogant, disconnected, or flaky. I know I'm my worst critic, and I can't truly see myself as they did, but I don't like interviewing! The entire thing is about me, and that is so awkward. So my brain goes on "talk about yourself mode" and I don't think that's a great thing. I don't think it represents me well at all, but if I were to keep my mouth shut, they wouldn't have any answers to their questions and wouldn't learn anything about me. It's...I don't like it.
It's in God's soverign hands, this I know. Rather than figuring out what I want, I'm trying to just listen and continue to pray that God's will be done. I want to be wherever He wants me. I trust Him. I love Him. I want Him to continue to mold me and transform me. Only He knows how that's best accomplished.
Father, I know that you love me. I pray for peace and acceptance of this outcome. May the church find the person that they need to best function. I don't care if that's me or someone else. It's not as important that I'm there as that the missions are met and hearts are changed. I know I have a lot to learn. If, however, I am that person, Lord please help me through the next steps. They would be incredibly difficult for me. Thank you for the understanding and support I've had from my husband. I know that you will continue to care for our family. I love you and trust you. In Jesus' name I pray these things. Amen.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
To Stay or Go...that is the question
Not that the opportunity has been presented to me, only the potential of an opportunity, yet already I wonder if given the opportunity to leave my job, will I do it?
After much thought and prayer, I think that if God opens the door then I should step through.
It's not that I wish to leave the secular world so I can live in a safe, little Christian bubble. I'm just very excited to be a part of the work to reach those in our community and to help support missions. That sounds like an answered prayer. Whether it is an answered prayer or not will depend on whether I get the job.
I'm feeling more and more like if I am offered the position, then I need to take it - even if it will be a difficult thing to do. Because long-term, I would much rather be doing that work than this work.
The one concern is maternity leave. As far as I know, there is nothing offered at the new place - because the workers were typically older. However, now they have an ever increasing younger staff - and women typically need some kind of maternity coverage.
A beautiful blessing is that I think I do have a way to save money for that time. That, and there's Christmas, baby shower, birthday, and our tax return to all help with it. Somehow, we will find a way. God will provide for our family. He's the reason we need to consider our funds while we are expecting this beautiful blessing to begin with.
As a friend recently said, "The areas of my life that I don't give over to God are those that most exhaust me."
I could worry myself to death over this and try to think of ways to "ensure" that all will go a certain way - though I have little idea what I want or should do. So I need to take my hands off and see what happens, which I think I'm doing pretty well.
Only time will tell what God alone knows.
After much thought and prayer, I think that if God opens the door then I should step through.
It's not that I wish to leave the secular world so I can live in a safe, little Christian bubble. I'm just very excited to be a part of the work to reach those in our community and to help support missions. That sounds like an answered prayer. Whether it is an answered prayer or not will depend on whether I get the job.
I'm feeling more and more like if I am offered the position, then I need to take it - even if it will be a difficult thing to do. Because long-term, I would much rather be doing that work than this work.
The one concern is maternity leave. As far as I know, there is nothing offered at the new place - because the workers were typically older. However, now they have an ever increasing younger staff - and women typically need some kind of maternity coverage.
A beautiful blessing is that I think I do have a way to save money for that time. That, and there's Christmas, baby shower, birthday, and our tax return to all help with it. Somehow, we will find a way. God will provide for our family. He's the reason we need to consider our funds while we are expecting this beautiful blessing to begin with.
As a friend recently said, "The areas of my life that I don't give over to God are those that most exhaust me."
I could worry myself to death over this and try to think of ways to "ensure" that all will go a certain way - though I have little idea what I want or should do. So I need to take my hands off and see what happens, which I think I'm doing pretty well.
Only time will tell what God alone knows.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The Gift of New Life
Nothing is as precious, as fragile and amazing as a new life. When a woman becomes pregnant, it is a tremendous gift and miraculous process, full of endless possibilities for something to go wrong. The fact that most babies complete this process and are born healthy is nothing short of God's miracle.
I miscarried over a year ago, as I've previously blogged. It was shocking. It was so, so early in the pregnancy, and the final answer (if there ever could be one) was that it was most likely rejected due to a chromosomal error. Though there was absolutely no reason to believe that I would have trouble conceiving again, my body went absolutely wacky...for about a year. So due to the miscarriage and the crazy year, I lost trust in my body and questioned whether I would conceive again - or be able to yet for quite some time.
I am now 5 weeks pregnant, and there are no signs that anything is wrong. I've read when a woman gets pregnant after a miscarriage she will be uneasy until she passes the time of her last miscarriage. I have passed that time and I can say that some relief has come, but overall I have a hard time getting attached just yet. I even forget that I'm pregnant at times. Usually my reminder is when I eat - or am hungry or tired. I'm just reluctant to admit to myself that things might actually be okay. Not to be pessimistic, but because I was devastated last time. I suppose I'm subconsciously protecting myself.
I think I'll feel better still once I see the heartbeat on the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. At this point, my only confirmation is a missed period and two lines on a stick. That should be a lot, but despite some minor pregnancy symptoms I feel normal.
If this little person is to be a new blessing to our family, it is quite miraculous indeed. It will be a joy to add another little one to our family. Matthew will be a wonderful big brother, and Chad and I are better equipped to be parents now than we were the first time around. It's a gracious gift from God to be a parent. I feel so blessed to have all that we do, and I try to enjoy the thought because it could be my last pregnancy. Only God knows. Truly, the only thing I care about is if the baby is healthy.
But we have family members secretly praying it's a girl. :o)
I miscarried over a year ago, as I've previously blogged. It was shocking. It was so, so early in the pregnancy, and the final answer (if there ever could be one) was that it was most likely rejected due to a chromosomal error. Though there was absolutely no reason to believe that I would have trouble conceiving again, my body went absolutely wacky...for about a year. So due to the miscarriage and the crazy year, I lost trust in my body and questioned whether I would conceive again - or be able to yet for quite some time.
I am now 5 weeks pregnant, and there are no signs that anything is wrong. I've read when a woman gets pregnant after a miscarriage she will be uneasy until she passes the time of her last miscarriage. I have passed that time and I can say that some relief has come, but overall I have a hard time getting attached just yet. I even forget that I'm pregnant at times. Usually my reminder is when I eat - or am hungry or tired. I'm just reluctant to admit to myself that things might actually be okay. Not to be pessimistic, but because I was devastated last time. I suppose I'm subconsciously protecting myself.
I think I'll feel better still once I see the heartbeat on the first ultrasound at 8 weeks. At this point, my only confirmation is a missed period and two lines on a stick. That should be a lot, but despite some minor pregnancy symptoms I feel normal.
If this little person is to be a new blessing to our family, it is quite miraculous indeed. It will be a joy to add another little one to our family. Matthew will be a wonderful big brother, and Chad and I are better equipped to be parents now than we were the first time around. It's a gracious gift from God to be a parent. I feel so blessed to have all that we do, and I try to enjoy the thought because it could be my last pregnancy. Only God knows. Truly, the only thing I care about is if the baby is healthy.
But we have family members secretly praying it's a girl. :o)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Awaiting the Acceptance of Joy
I miscarried in July of 2009. It was devestating to me. I felt betrayed by my body and lost faith in it. I was crushed that it happened to me. I only thank God that I miscarried so early. It was likely due to a chromosomal error, and my body rejected it. So as this last week has progressed and I have suspected that I am (finally) pregnant after that ordeal, I find that joy is not quick to come.
I am hesitant to take a pregnancy test - even now as I am 3 days late. I have been skeptical and still distrusting of my body. Though logically I know that miscarriage is quite common and there's no reason for me to suspect that I can't have more children, I still wait as the hours and the days tick by, waiting to see if I will lose this one as well. So far...not a sign that I will.
I felt some relief this morning, that there is still no sign that something is going wrong. I do feel a lot of twinges and occasional achiness, but nothing to be alarmed about. I didn't have all of the symptoms that I do now when I miscarried. That's promising. Yet I remain cautious. I don't remember feeling all of the twinging with Matthew. I know that each pregnancy is different. Hope is slowly and bravely rising. I need to decide when I will take the test.
It's not so much about knowing whether I am or am not pregnant. I am certain at this point that I am. It's about the visible confirmation that I am. At that point, I have to accept it. Then if I miscarry, I have to accept that as well. It's all in my head, I know.
Whatever God has planned, I know that we will be okay. I truly believe that. His presence is the greatest blessing. Here's my life. Let it be all for You.
I am hesitant to take a pregnancy test - even now as I am 3 days late. I have been skeptical and still distrusting of my body. Though logically I know that miscarriage is quite common and there's no reason for me to suspect that I can't have more children, I still wait as the hours and the days tick by, waiting to see if I will lose this one as well. So far...not a sign that I will.
I felt some relief this morning, that there is still no sign that something is going wrong. I do feel a lot of twinges and occasional achiness, but nothing to be alarmed about. I didn't have all of the symptoms that I do now when I miscarried. That's promising. Yet I remain cautious. I don't remember feeling all of the twinging with Matthew. I know that each pregnancy is different. Hope is slowly and bravely rising. I need to decide when I will take the test.
It's not so much about knowing whether I am or am not pregnant. I am certain at this point that I am. It's about the visible confirmation that I am. At that point, I have to accept it. Then if I miscarry, I have to accept that as well. It's all in my head, I know.
Whatever God has planned, I know that we will be okay. I truly believe that. His presence is the greatest blessing. Here's my life. Let it be all for You.
The Ridiculousness of Materialism
It strikes in the oddest places and moments...materialism. Like a plague in the hearts of mankind, we fall prey to this dillusion. My recent encounter with materialism involved...the Bible.
I spent many moments pondering what kind of new Bible I would like to have - what size, version, color, translation. I ordered a new Study Bible (thinking that the ESV version I had was too big) because I kept seeing others with it. I don't regret ordering it (though I have yet to see it in the mail) because it will be different from what I have. It will focus on the people of the Bible and their character, which will help me apply the lessons better to my character. I don't regret ordering it.
However, the complication comes when my thoughts become consumed with it, and I start scanning the internet and taking careful note of what everyone else has. In the end, the irony is that my ESV Study Bible is not too big, and I'm going to be digging into it, personalizing it, becoming more acquainted with it. It's a good Study Bible. How foolish are we to believe that the answers to our soul's desires are in a certain kind of Bible.
The Bible is God's Word. There is nothing more powerful or transformative than His words. Even aware of that, I somehow got sucked into this insanity. Satan will use even our desire for God as a way to tempt us and distract us from Him.
Thanks be to God for His love and mercy. With arms open wide, He embraces us as we are and gently calls us back to Him, to truth, and to clarity once again.
I spent many moments pondering what kind of new Bible I would like to have - what size, version, color, translation. I ordered a new Study Bible (thinking that the ESV version I had was too big) because I kept seeing others with it. I don't regret ordering it (though I have yet to see it in the mail) because it will be different from what I have. It will focus on the people of the Bible and their character, which will help me apply the lessons better to my character. I don't regret ordering it.
However, the complication comes when my thoughts become consumed with it, and I start scanning the internet and taking careful note of what everyone else has. In the end, the irony is that my ESV Study Bible is not too big, and I'm going to be digging into it, personalizing it, becoming more acquainted with it. It's a good Study Bible. How foolish are we to believe that the answers to our soul's desires are in a certain kind of Bible.
The Bible is God's Word. There is nothing more powerful or transformative than His words. Even aware of that, I somehow got sucked into this insanity. Satan will use even our desire for God as a way to tempt us and distract us from Him.
Thanks be to God for His love and mercy. With arms open wide, He embraces us as we are and gently calls us back to Him, to truth, and to clarity once again.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Overwhelming Joy
The joy of the Lord is so fulfilling that it overflows unlike anything else. This morning I was singing the Christy Nockels version of Marvelous Light, and I could hardly sing through my joy. When I tried to reign it in so I could sing, tears squeezed out from the corner of my eyes. I can't imagine the joy being in God's presence. It would surely stop a human heart. Only the spirit that God sustains could survive it.
I've been thinking about my grandfather a lot lately. Tuesday night while I was listening to The Old Rugged Cross in preparation for worship rehearsal on Wednesday night, my mom told me that it was grandpa's favorite. He passed away in 1998, and I can't say I knew him really well. I used to spend parts of summers in New Mexico, where they used to live. He was always fun - laughing, joking around. He was a joy. Then he got sick, and he spent many years sick; down in the basement in his chair watching TV. My mom was visiting them in New Mexico when he died. She was actually the one who found him. He was slumped over on his bed, either getting in or getting out. I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. Surreal, I suppose.
I never thought much about my grandpa's salvation. I didn't know him well enough to know his faith. I knew they always went to church - Church of Christ, like my other grandparents. I've just never thought much about where he is. I've wondered. "Is he in misery now or incomparable joy?"
This morning as I was rejoicing in my car on my way to work, I once again remembered my grandpa. I felt something I can only describe as peace. Not peace like, "Finally! I got a minute to myself," or, "I finally feel resolved about this or that." Peace. And almost an understanding, a feeling of peace that said, "He's here." I understand that what I think and feel doesn't change reality, but I also know that God is a personal and loving God who does speak to and move through His people.
As many times as I have thought about the way our nation's "celebrity" craze effects the way we look at Christian music and worship - and the way that has made me uncomfortable in my corporate worship when we're leading worship - I know that God has gifted me musically for the praise of His name and to bless me with the joy of enjoying that desire of my heart, talent, and gift of God. How rude it would be to squelch it, since it is a gift from God - with a purpose for ministry.
"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre. Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy. For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."
Psalm 33 1-5
I've been thinking about my grandfather a lot lately. Tuesday night while I was listening to The Old Rugged Cross in preparation for worship rehearsal on Wednesday night, my mom told me that it was grandpa's favorite. He passed away in 1998, and I can't say I knew him really well. I used to spend parts of summers in New Mexico, where they used to live. He was always fun - laughing, joking around. He was a joy. Then he got sick, and he spent many years sick; down in the basement in his chair watching TV. My mom was visiting them in New Mexico when he died. She was actually the one who found him. He was slumped over on his bed, either getting in or getting out. I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. Surreal, I suppose.
I never thought much about my grandpa's salvation. I didn't know him well enough to know his faith. I knew they always went to church - Church of Christ, like my other grandparents. I've just never thought much about where he is. I've wondered. "Is he in misery now or incomparable joy?"
This morning as I was rejoicing in my car on my way to work, I once again remembered my grandpa. I felt something I can only describe as peace. Not peace like, "Finally! I got a minute to myself," or, "I finally feel resolved about this or that." Peace. And almost an understanding, a feeling of peace that said, "He's here." I understand that what I think and feel doesn't change reality, but I also know that God is a personal and loving God who does speak to and move through His people.
As many times as I have thought about the way our nation's "celebrity" craze effects the way we look at Christian music and worship - and the way that has made me uncomfortable in my corporate worship when we're leading worship - I know that God has gifted me musically for the praise of His name and to bless me with the joy of enjoying that desire of my heart, talent, and gift of God. How rude it would be to squelch it, since it is a gift from God - with a purpose for ministry.
"Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous; it is fitting for the upright to praise him. Praise the Lord with the harp; make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre. Sing to him a new song; play skillfully, and shout for joy. For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the earth is full of his unfailing love."
Psalm 33 1-5
Monday, October 4, 2010
30 Days to a no-regret life
This book that we're doing at church, One Month to Live, is a great book. It's been wonderful in clarifying that #1 I need to leave my job and #2 my marriage is vital. It's been so healing in our marriage just by setting some things straight in my head. I really love my husband. That sounds so silly to say, but I really, really do. Learning to accept and forgive has freed me to love more.
I wanted to write down my convictions that it asks me to list, on Day 25.
These are convictions that I believe to be timeless:
1. You can't go wrong as long as you love
2. You don't get points for doing it or for doing it well, but doing it with grace
3. You must serve in order to lead
4. Aside from God, people should always take priority
5. Image is decieving - and often damaging
It also asks me to list the character traits that I would like to be remembered for:
1. Love
2. Patience
3. Grace
4. Joy
5. Gentleness
I love that it asks me to list these things because they act as a guideline for my behavior. Does my behavior at any given moment reflect my convictions or the character I would like to be remembered for?
I'm really eager to see what God is doing in our family. Sometimes it feels like chaos, but I know that He is behind it all because He is good. Despite my faults, flaws, failures, and weaknesses He is good and blesses us - so that we may be a blessing to others, for the praise and glory of His name.
I wanted to write down my convictions that it asks me to list, on Day 25.
These are convictions that I believe to be timeless:
1. You can't go wrong as long as you love
2. You don't get points for doing it or for doing it well, but doing it with grace
3. You must serve in order to lead
4. Aside from God, people should always take priority
5. Image is decieving - and often damaging
It also asks me to list the character traits that I would like to be remembered for:
1. Love
2. Patience
3. Grace
4. Joy
5. Gentleness
I love that it asks me to list these things because they act as a guideline for my behavior. Does my behavior at any given moment reflect my convictions or the character I would like to be remembered for?
I'm really eager to see what God is doing in our family. Sometimes it feels like chaos, but I know that He is behind it all because He is good. Despite my faults, flaws, failures, and weaknesses He is good and blesses us - so that we may be a blessing to others, for the praise and glory of His name.
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