I had an interview yesterday for a wonderful job at my church. The verdict is still out - but not for long. They said they will make their decision and notify myself and the other two interviewees by Friday. That's tomorrow! That is quick - maybe too quick for me. First of all, I'm not sure what I want, but I know why that's the case. I am absolutely terrified to tell my boss that I am leaving. I am not so terrified of staying (not being the one hired at the church.), but that is because then I won't have to tell my boss that I'm leaving.
I never enjoy telling someone that I'm leaving, but in this case especially because I know the amount of training it takes for someone in my position to be comfortable, and I know how much his position relies on my position. It's not bad work. It's a good company and good people. The issue is whether or not I want to make a career out of this, and the easy answer is 'no'. I never intended to. However, I know what it will do to him to have to interview, hire, and train someone new. It will not be fun or easy. So this decision doesn't just affect me.
The other side of this is being willing to move to where God wants me. If I truly want to be putty in His hands, I have to give when He moves me. I initially said that if God wants me at the church then He will make it happen - meaning if they want to hire me then it must be where God wants me. So I've been praying for him to move in my heart but also in theirs so that the decision that comes out of it is what God wants...not what we're trying to orchestrate.
I keep playing bits of the interview back in my head. During and immediately afterwards I felt like it went well. After I've been playing it back awhile, I can't believe some of the things that I said. I'm afraid that at times I came off arrogant, disconnected, or flaky. I know I'm my worst critic, and I can't truly see myself as they did, but I don't like interviewing! The entire thing is about me, and that is so awkward. So my brain goes on "talk about yourself mode" and I don't think that's a great thing. I don't think it represents me well at all, but if I were to keep my mouth shut, they wouldn't have any answers to their questions and wouldn't learn anything about me. It's...I don't like it.
It's in God's soverign hands, this I know. Rather than figuring out what I want, I'm trying to just listen and continue to pray that God's will be done. I want to be wherever He wants me. I trust Him. I love Him. I want Him to continue to mold me and transform me. Only He knows how that's best accomplished.
Father, I know that you love me. I pray for peace and acceptance of this outcome. May the church find the person that they need to best function. I don't care if that's me or someone else. It's not as important that I'm there as that the missions are met and hearts are changed. I know I have a lot to learn. If, however, I am that person, Lord please help me through the next steps. They would be incredibly difficult for me. Thank you for the understanding and support I've had from my husband. I know that you will continue to care for our family. I love you and trust you. In Jesus' name I pray these things. Amen.
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