Ok, it's not quite the end of the year, but we're on the back stretch - and the end of the year seems to go by far too quickly. As I'm reflecting back on this year I realize that since pretty much the very first day of the year, God has been working in my heart to give my life completely to him.
That very first sermon of the year, I remember admitting my addictions. I wish I could say that I did away with them entirely and haven't looked back, but I suppose it just doesn't work that way with addictions. I've battled them this entire year - sometimes there have been months and months of not going back (not even looking back). It takes so little sometimes to make us slide off our path. In those moments of weakness, I'm somehow convincing myself that it's not that big of a deal - "just one wasted evening won't matter." It's nonsense.
Our church is now doing a study called "One Month to Live", following the book. The premise is that if you knew you had one month to live, what would you change - and what's keeping you from making those changes now. First of all, we are all dying. We just don't know when our last breath will be taken. However, we live in a safe little bubble to get by rather than living as though we're alive. What struck me last night as I read in the book is their observation that we're all living the dash in between birth and death date. One day our lives will be reduced to a tombstone, where the only thing someone will know about us is our birth and death dates and maybe a quote or something that expresses what was important to us.
So if our life is a dash, this duration of time on earth, why do we live as though we're sustaining ourselves as though the end will never come?
More specifically for my life, I can't stand that I spend eight or nine hours a day (A DAY!) in an office (often in one chair in the office) typing, filing, printing, calling, etc, etc.
My son is growing up.
There is so much I could do in life.
I'm using basically nothing of what God has blessed me with.
Those are my three contentions with being at work all day. Being at this work everyday.
It's not that it's a bad job, but for my life, it's a bit pointless. I have struggled with this for years. I'm feeling a boiling over coming. The point is, if I had one month to live, this job would be the very first thing to go. This job is a sustainer, a get-by-er. It's not living. It's not using this life in a way that praises God. Yes, we can praise God in all places, all circumstances, and all seasons of our lives. My point is that I truly, truly feel that this season in my life should be just that, a season. I feel this season wearing on me, and I see little point in staying. I am here until there is any opportunity not to be here - but that is an entirely different blog entry.
The bottom line is that the reason this all wears on me is because I don't want to just live in the inbetween moments. I don't want to live my life for God in those in between moments. Let me please clarify that it's not as though I come to work, go braindead and think nothing of the kingdom of God until 4:30 when I head home. That is absolutely not true. I understand that we are the kingdom everywhere we are and go. God is molding us to His image, and that is in every moment.
My point is that I'm ready to turn my life over to God in a bigger way. I don't feel like I'm articulating this well.
Let me try to explain this way. The book I'm reading now asks on Day 1 that you list five things you would change if you knew you had one month to live. My list looks like this:
1. Work part-time (combination of sources for income)
2. Love and have grace and mercy for my husband and son more
3. That my work would be an extension of who I am & what I value
4. Be more present for family, even across the miles
5. My heart and faith would be prominent in my life (all aspects, all relationships)
Those are listed vaguely, but what it all boils down to is that every breath of my day would be in the freedom to be an ambassador for Christ - that my relationships would be filled with love, grace, and mercy; that my life would be in service to the relationships in my life; that any kind of work or service that I do is an extension of my faith; that my eulagy would be that I loved whole-heartedly and lived in a way that gave the most glory to God as I could in my little life.
It's not that I can't give of myself in my job. That's not the point. The point, the real point of this entire entry, is that God has been pulling my heart along this year, molding and humbling it. I'm now at a point that I want to give God more glory - and I need to be free to use my talents in order to do that. It is just that simple.
I don't want to live a life where I was locked into a job and made lemons out of lemonade. I want to live a life that joyfully declares that my reason for living, and every decision I make, is my love for God.
I can say nothing more in this blog that more beautifully explains my heart than that last sentence.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
Reverence for His Word
I'm sometimes stuck by the casual way people approach the Bible. To be fair, I try to think back to the way that I once approached the Bible. However, honestly, I don't remember ever coming to the scriptures in an informal disposition. I was more casual than I probably should have been, and I was often looking for a way for it to meet my needs - rather than seeking God in every line. Now that I read the Bible reverently, understanding that it is God Himself that speaks these words and knowing their transforming power, I am offended when someone does not value His words.
When my husband decided that he needed his own Bible, we went to the Christian bookstore and scanned the aisles for the one that he would like the best. I wasn't sure what kind of reaction he would have to all of the Bibles, and ultimately to the one he would choose. It's understandable that someone would be uncertain what to get when standing in front of so many different translations and types of Bibles. When he finally decided on the right type and design, his hands smoothed over the covers as he soaked in that this was his Bible. It was such a precious moment.
Yet the Bible is not just about the cover, type or translation. The Bible's transformative value is inside. It is when people have access to it and ignore it or take it for granted that my soul aches. You have the words of God in your hands...you hold the truths to the universe, our existence, and the explanation for everything in our world in your hands...you have access to the power that can transform your life in a way you can't yet understand and still...the desire to seek it out, the desire to spend your evening reading it, the desire to spend time in it rather than doing something trivial is nearly absent.
I don't want to come off self-righteous in this. Absolutely I have had times when I've chosen to do something ridiculous rather than read the Bible or worship God. You bet. It has and will happen. However, ultimately, the Bible is a part of my regular diet in life - and I don't rely on someone else to spoon feed it to me.
My salvation is ultimately my responsibility - as is yours.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7
It does not say 'have someone else try to figure out what you want to know; have someone else seek out your answers; have someone else knock on the door for you....and then you will be grateful and receive all you need.' That's just silly.
The difficult thing is that when someone you love so dearly is not truly asking, seeking, or knocking there is little you can do but continue to provide whatever they do desire, at whatever level of dedication, however great or small.
The appropriate way to approach the Bible is with reverence. I cannot think of a better way or a way more plain to put it. To me, reverence is respect; it is awe; it is love and understanding. There is nothing casual in reverence; nothing disrespectful; nothing presumptuous.
God in His great grace, love, and faithfulness answers us in our unworthy approach to Him. But that is what discloses our sin. It does not deem us worthy or our approach acceptable. The more we understand that His grace and forgiveness answers us even in our disrespectful ways should propel us to more reverently approaching Him. That leads to a deeper understanding of God. Let us not be ungrateful, disrespectful children to the Almighty God.
When my husband decided that he needed his own Bible, we went to the Christian bookstore and scanned the aisles for the one that he would like the best. I wasn't sure what kind of reaction he would have to all of the Bibles, and ultimately to the one he would choose. It's understandable that someone would be uncertain what to get when standing in front of so many different translations and types of Bibles. When he finally decided on the right type and design, his hands smoothed over the covers as he soaked in that this was his Bible. It was such a precious moment.
Yet the Bible is not just about the cover, type or translation. The Bible's transformative value is inside. It is when people have access to it and ignore it or take it for granted that my soul aches. You have the words of God in your hands...you hold the truths to the universe, our existence, and the explanation for everything in our world in your hands...you have access to the power that can transform your life in a way you can't yet understand and still...the desire to seek it out, the desire to spend your evening reading it, the desire to spend time in it rather than doing something trivial is nearly absent.
I don't want to come off self-righteous in this. Absolutely I have had times when I've chosen to do something ridiculous rather than read the Bible or worship God. You bet. It has and will happen. However, ultimately, the Bible is a part of my regular diet in life - and I don't rely on someone else to spoon feed it to me.
My salvation is ultimately my responsibility - as is yours.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7
It does not say 'have someone else try to figure out what you want to know; have someone else seek out your answers; have someone else knock on the door for you....and then you will be grateful and receive all you need.' That's just silly.
The difficult thing is that when someone you love so dearly is not truly asking, seeking, or knocking there is little you can do but continue to provide whatever they do desire, at whatever level of dedication, however great or small.
The appropriate way to approach the Bible is with reverence. I cannot think of a better way or a way more plain to put it. To me, reverence is respect; it is awe; it is love and understanding. There is nothing casual in reverence; nothing disrespectful; nothing presumptuous.
God in His great grace, love, and faithfulness answers us in our unworthy approach to Him. But that is what discloses our sin. It does not deem us worthy or our approach acceptable. The more we understand that His grace and forgiveness answers us even in our disrespectful ways should propel us to more reverently approaching Him. That leads to a deeper understanding of God. Let us not be ungrateful, disrespectful children to the Almighty God.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Precious Gifts of Sweet Faithfulness
Last night as I cuddled up to my hubby, he said, "I'm so thankful for you." For some men, this may be more common, but not for my husband. In our six years of marriage, this is the first time I've heard those words from his mouth. He's written it in cards before. Never spoken the words. I don't say this to show ways my husband is not verbal, I share this to show how God has changed our marriage. God has worked a wonder in our lives.
We have been through a lot of transitions. One of the most unusual for most marriages was his second deployment to Iraq from the time I was 6 months pregnant to when our son was 8 months old, living in a new state where I knew no one. That was a true challenge. Even moreso was the recovery from that separation and adjusting to the new little person in our family at the same time. Place that on top of the normal marriage stuff - new jobs, finances, friends, family, learning to be man & wife in a society that praises individualism - and you have an interesting situation. In addition, he's a police officer, which means his hours are strange compared to the 9 to 5 business men and he has different pressures and is exposed to bizarre things and troubled people, unlike the rest of us. The odds aren't exactly with us in our marriage. But God uses all of this to display His power and love.
In addition to all of that above, for the vast majority of our marriage, I have been a believer and he has not. This causes tension - when the believer is still a sinner and wants the unbeliever to be at the same point spiritually or when the unbeliever is to be the head of the household and the believer is to submit to their decisions...it can be maddening. There's so much more to write about this, but there's just not the space. It would be a short novel. Maybe it's one worth writing. But for a blog, I will just have to trust that the believers reading this will understand and those who do not know Jesus will hopefully pull what is beautiful out of it, even if there are questions.
This time last year, I was in tears a lot. It seemed impossible that our marriage could be healthy. It seemed impossible that my husband would have the desire to know God. I had begun to resign myself to living in a marriage that was not what it could be, not what it should be. I would never divorce him, and so I decided that I needed to just accept that my marriage would never be what others were. Though I was married, I would not let my marriage define me. If it meant living cordially with happiness interspersed, that's what I would do. I would love him regardless of what that meant for our marriage, and trust that God would somehow be glorified in the process. After a nasty battle within - trying to figure out how I could help my husband along, and doing an awful job at it - I took my hands off the matter. I gave it over to God.
I can't tell you exactly when I took my hands off of it, what happened next, or when my husband surprised me with the news that he was going to do a Bible study with our friend Dan. I can tell you that it was less than a year...maybe less than six months. I can tell you that it was not immediate; it was a process and still is. I can tell you that my husband has surprised me over and over and that I can take credit for absolutely nothing. It is not my words or wisdom that have changed our marriage. It is God and God alone. He is the changer of hearts. He changed mine and my husband's and continues to do so. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started coming to church with me. I never gave him a hard time about it and I never asked him to join me. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started meeting with Dan once a week for a Bible study. I was not involved in that at all and I don't check up on his progress. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband began leading prayer at our meal times. I never asked him to do so and I don't require him to do it when he doesn't. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband held me last night and spoke those precious words, "I'm so thankful for you." I never expected or demanded him to say it. I did not congratulate him on any of his progress. I simply say, "I'm so thankful for you, too. I love you so much."
Words are nothing if they are only words. I think our puffed up society puts too much emphasis on them. God created our mouths - they are a powerful and terrible thing. If spoken with words from the Spirit, our mouths speak truth and love. If spoken with words of pride or pretty much anything else, our mouths are terrible weapons of pain and destruction. We do not need words to convey our love or accomplish much of anything. In fact, God guides women in His great wisdom in 1 Peter 3 to be very cautious with our words.
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beautfy of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
Women's lib would tell you that those words are oppressive. I argue that they are wise and that women's lib sometimes just makes a lot of noise.
Those words are not meant to shut women up or make them unattractive. Quite the contrary, they empower women and make them more beautiful. God does not let women solve their problems with a few words. Words are not power if they are not rooted in truth. Often times, words are just noise. It's just not possible to solve problems with a few words. If God allowed us to do so, He would not require us to challenge ourselves from the inside out. It is with my "respectful and pure conduct" that my presence is most effective - not in my words. It is through "the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" that my husband will value my true intentions and the beauty of our relationship. Ladies, you cannot talk your way out of this. You can't just gussy yourself up and expect everything to be fixed. There's no "easy" button - despite what our shallow, lazy culture would tell us.
I need to look no further than my own peace and happiness and the beauty of our marriage to show that this wisdom is true. I don't need to convince women with a drawn out, persuasive argument. I only need to put our marriage on display. You can't argue with that, even if you would like to. This is God's great wisdom, in putting our marriage through turmoil and healing, no one can argue against the transformation that has taken place, and continues to take place, in our marriage. In taking away my part in my husband's spiritual growth, no one can argue philosophy or psychology. And believe me, I tried to have my part in it. I did nothing but make things worse. The only One to receive credit for our marriage is God. There is simply no way to argue it. God, in His great wisdom, has intentionally left no room for that.
Last night, after my husband and I shared that moment, he went to the grocery store to grab a few things. When he left, I sat with our two-year old and felt the great gift that he is and they way he refines me daily. We prayed a prayer of thanks to God for our family. Then he went back to playing with his play-doh. I took a few steps and fell to my knees and continued to thank God. With a joy in my heart so great that it almost hurt and tears in my eyes, I praised God for His great faithfulness - for the love and joy in our family that He has made possible. My cup overflowith.
We have been through a lot of transitions. One of the most unusual for most marriages was his second deployment to Iraq from the time I was 6 months pregnant to when our son was 8 months old, living in a new state where I knew no one. That was a true challenge. Even moreso was the recovery from that separation and adjusting to the new little person in our family at the same time. Place that on top of the normal marriage stuff - new jobs, finances, friends, family, learning to be man & wife in a society that praises individualism - and you have an interesting situation. In addition, he's a police officer, which means his hours are strange compared to the 9 to 5 business men and he has different pressures and is exposed to bizarre things and troubled people, unlike the rest of us. The odds aren't exactly with us in our marriage. But God uses all of this to display His power and love.
In addition to all of that above, for the vast majority of our marriage, I have been a believer and he has not. This causes tension - when the believer is still a sinner and wants the unbeliever to be at the same point spiritually or when the unbeliever is to be the head of the household and the believer is to submit to their decisions...it can be maddening. There's so much more to write about this, but there's just not the space. It would be a short novel. Maybe it's one worth writing. But for a blog, I will just have to trust that the believers reading this will understand and those who do not know Jesus will hopefully pull what is beautiful out of it, even if there are questions.
This time last year, I was in tears a lot. It seemed impossible that our marriage could be healthy. It seemed impossible that my husband would have the desire to know God. I had begun to resign myself to living in a marriage that was not what it could be, not what it should be. I would never divorce him, and so I decided that I needed to just accept that my marriage would never be what others were. Though I was married, I would not let my marriage define me. If it meant living cordially with happiness interspersed, that's what I would do. I would love him regardless of what that meant for our marriage, and trust that God would somehow be glorified in the process. After a nasty battle within - trying to figure out how I could help my husband along, and doing an awful job at it - I took my hands off the matter. I gave it over to God.
I can't tell you exactly when I took my hands off of it, what happened next, or when my husband surprised me with the news that he was going to do a Bible study with our friend Dan. I can tell you that it was less than a year...maybe less than six months. I can tell you that it was not immediate; it was a process and still is. I can tell you that my husband has surprised me over and over and that I can take credit for absolutely nothing. It is not my words or wisdom that have changed our marriage. It is God and God alone. He is the changer of hearts. He changed mine and my husband's and continues to do so. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started coming to church with me. I never gave him a hard time about it and I never asked him to join me. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband started meeting with Dan once a week for a Bible study. I was not involved in that at all and I don't check up on his progress. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband began leading prayer at our meal times. I never asked him to do so and I don't require him to do it when he doesn't. Because of God's great love and faithfulness my husband held me last night and spoke those precious words, "I'm so thankful for you." I never expected or demanded him to say it. I did not congratulate him on any of his progress. I simply say, "I'm so thankful for you, too. I love you so much."
Words are nothing if they are only words. I think our puffed up society puts too much emphasis on them. God created our mouths - they are a powerful and terrible thing. If spoken with words from the Spirit, our mouths speak truth and love. If spoken with words of pride or pretty much anything else, our mouths are terrible weapons of pain and destruction. We do not need words to convey our love or accomplish much of anything. In fact, God guides women in His great wisdom in 1 Peter 3 to be very cautious with our words.
"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external - the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear - but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beautfy of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
Women's lib would tell you that those words are oppressive. I argue that they are wise and that women's lib sometimes just makes a lot of noise.
Those words are not meant to shut women up or make them unattractive. Quite the contrary, they empower women and make them more beautiful. God does not let women solve their problems with a few words. Words are not power if they are not rooted in truth. Often times, words are just noise. It's just not possible to solve problems with a few words. If God allowed us to do so, He would not require us to challenge ourselves from the inside out. It is with my "respectful and pure conduct" that my presence is most effective - not in my words. It is through "the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit" that my husband will value my true intentions and the beauty of our relationship. Ladies, you cannot talk your way out of this. You can't just gussy yourself up and expect everything to be fixed. There's no "easy" button - despite what our shallow, lazy culture would tell us.
I need to look no further than my own peace and happiness and the beauty of our marriage to show that this wisdom is true. I don't need to convince women with a drawn out, persuasive argument. I only need to put our marriage on display. You can't argue with that, even if you would like to. This is God's great wisdom, in putting our marriage through turmoil and healing, no one can argue against the transformation that has taken place, and continues to take place, in our marriage. In taking away my part in my husband's spiritual growth, no one can argue philosophy or psychology. And believe me, I tried to have my part in it. I did nothing but make things worse. The only One to receive credit for our marriage is God. There is simply no way to argue it. God, in His great wisdom, has intentionally left no room for that.
Last night, after my husband and I shared that moment, he went to the grocery store to grab a few things. When he left, I sat with our two-year old and felt the great gift that he is and they way he refines me daily. We prayed a prayer of thanks to God for our family. Then he went back to playing with his play-doh. I took a few steps and fell to my knees and continued to thank God. With a joy in my heart so great that it almost hurt and tears in my eyes, I praised God for His great faithfulness - for the love and joy in our family that He has made possible. My cup overflowith.
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