I wish I was wiser. I wish I had bloomed earlier. I wish that in my young adulthood I had felt the need to draw near to God as much as I felt the need to be analytical - for pride's sake.
But these and other similar wishes mean less and less to me as time goes by. Praise God for that. It is for God's glory that all things have happened and will happen in their time. If I had submitted my life to Him any sooner, I certainly wouldn't be where I am.
And so, here I am, 30 years old and still a child. I have grown so much but have so much still to learn. I'm honestly not sure when I won't feel like a child - not when I consider the distance between me and God. I pray that I will always feel like a child.
Lately, I draw near to God as I realize my complete dependency on Him and His incommunicable attributes - as C.J. Mahaney puts beautifully in Humility: True Greatness. I've had to admit to myself in the last couple of weeks that I am an addict. We all are. We all have a weakness, a vice, an addiction to something in our lives. We are addicted to entertainment, comfort, ease, convenience, materials, appearances, ....and chocolate. : ) These addictions keep us from fulfilling God's purpose for us. They bind us and weaken us. We develop odd and sick dependencies on lies. I've told myself my entire life that I don't have an addictive personality - because I'm not addicted to drugs, alcohol, smoking, etc. However, a couple of weeks ago I had to admit to myself that my addiction is a combination of lies the world feeds us. Fully aware of the lies, I fall prey to them anyway. It's fairly easy in our society to get sucked into the media/celebrity frenzy, the hair/makeup/clothes competition, or the I'm-not-good-enough self-doubt. If we're not particularly careful, we're bombarded by these messages. Satan has a strong hold on our mass media, and it filters beautifully into our private lives. It's so sad.
So, that day I stepped into the shower an admitted addict, and I let the reality of that wash over me and begin to heal me. The difference between acknowledging that changes need to be made and admitting that you're an addict of a sort is that as an addict you have to acknowledge that the future will hold an extra level of difficulty in order to break the addiction. There's more room for backsliding if you're simply trying to make changes, as long as you move forward again. But with an addiction, you need to cut the monster out. I think if we're being honest with ourselves, the changes we need to make all stem from our crazy addictions. The difference is admitting that we have one.
The phrase that got to me the day that I admitted my addiction was, "remember the children." I may not make changes in my life for myself. I may not even necessarily make them for another adult. But I would do anything if it would be for the benefit of a child. For them, I'll admit my addiction, suffer through the withdrawal, and drudge through the process of establishing new habits.
The only addiction I want in my life is a strong addiction for God. I hope to always be hungry for His word and yearning for His Spirit. I pray to expend every effort, every talent, every breath in service to and love of my Savior. May I never feel inadequate or insignificant. Those are prideful emotions after all because what it means is I'm putting myself (my comfort, popularity, needs, etc.) before God. Those emotions are also a sign that I am believing the lies before God's truth.
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)
Be encouraged. God has and will overcome.
There is much work to be done, and it is not about me. That realization is incredibly freeing.
Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. (2 Timothy 2:22)
Guard the good deposit that was entrusted to you - guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us. (2 Timothy 1:14)
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