In the midst of the battle that rages within me, God speaks clearly. My mind reels with thoughts of my unworthiness, my sinfulness, and self-doubt - not only in regards to what I do or how I behave but who I am because of Christ. "How could God love you? Look at how horrible you are," rages within at times.
I will spare you the details of this battle that pains me; this battle that sometimes I feel will be the end of me. (Dramatic as that is.) But God is faithful and good.
"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiatino fro our sins."
1 John 4:10
God does not love me because I love Him. He does not love me because I am good (or not). God is love. He is light. There is no darkness in him at all. (1 John 1:5)
Furthermore, I am a child of God. He promises this to those who believe in Jesus Christ.
I struggle sometimes. Boy, do I struggle. Sometimes my only hope is in Christ. As I struggle to be better, to follow his way, to be good, He is my only hope. And in that, God gets the glory.
"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so tht the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak. Then I am strong."
2 Cor 12:9-10
In my weakness, God's power is perfect. That's truly incredible and beautiful, and yet because of pride, that's a difficult place to be in.
The most beautiful message I've received at this time, is that I don't have to be anything more than I am.
Sometimes I try so hard. I try to be good. I try to be happy and love and this and that. It's not that I don't feel happy or love, but I don't rest in the peace that I am enough as I am. That is exhausting.
If God counts me as a child of God, what more could I possibly be?
I don't need to entertain. I don't need to be everything for someone else. I don't need to feel inadequate, which causes me to second guess everything I do and say. I don't need to put the pressure on myself that I should be trying harder still.
If God counts me as a child of God, what more could I possibly be?
"But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God."
John 1:12-13
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