In one breath, I’ll tell myself that though I struggle with pride, like everyone does in one way or another, I am compassionate and looking for ways to build other up. Then in the next breath I will be annoyed with something that someone does or frustrated at the way something has impacted me. Telltale signs of pride – when it’s about me. Something I don’t like…the way something made me feel. And for that moment, the world revolves around me.
Could I truly call myself meek or gentle spirited? Not truly. At times? Yes. In certain moments? Yes. To the core of my being? No. No way. I so desire it, but I feel that I am so far from it.
One night this weekend, as I was feeling like a complete failure, I read in Psalms 51. How I love Psalm 51. Here’s a taste:
1Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions.
2Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!
3For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.
4Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
4Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment.
5Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
……
10Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.
11Cast me not away from you presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
11Cast me not away from you presence, and take not your Holy Spirit from me.
12Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
All weekend I prayed, “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within in me.” Only He can change me through and through from the inside out. It is exhausting to put on a face or to “fake it until you feel it.” I am looking for a clean heart as it is transformed by God and a right spirit by God’s grace. Oh, God, please!
I know the wonders that God performs in people’s lives. I have seen it in others and in me. In order to be truly transformed into a gentle spirit, I need God’s hand on it. No level of performance will do. I am what I am by God’s grace and increasingly so as time passes.
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