My grandma has been sick for quite awhile. She's been in and out of the hospital since September - battling her third round of breast cancer. Since September, for every step she has taken forwards, she has taken ten backwards. At this point, it's possible that she could pass this week or next.
She lives in Colorado, so it's not easy to go see her - being that I work full-time and have a three year old. I went to visit in September when she went in the hospital. The question I constantly ask myself is, "How will I feel about this in five or ten years?" I want to be there for her and my mom and aunt, but I know there is nothing I can do. I want my Nana to know I love her, am praying for her and that she's constantly on my mind, but the doctors have pretty much asked people not to visit her because it drains her at a time when she desperately needs her sleep. What I want so badly to do is to sit next to her, hold her hand and sing to her. I want her to remember in this time that God loves her, is with her and He is so good. She and I have always had a relationship that we could sit quietly together, holding hands and have understanding of and love for one another. Her presence always gives me joy; simply her presence.
Late last night, suddenly I felt the need to pray for her and my family. In my heart, if I'm being honest, I don't wish for her survival. She has struggled for so long. I know that she's in pain, and I know she has a wonderful faith. I know she's going home to God. How could I wish for her to endure here any longer? However, I completely trust in God's plan and timing. I'm terribly worried about my mom and her two sisters. None of them will take this well. Though of course they don't want her to suffer, they want their mom to stay. I can't imagine what that would be like, but I think that if I knew my mom was going to be with God (knowing our amazing God, not just the idea of a god) I would want her to go - even if it meant that I would terribly miss her...because being with God is the most wildly amazing thing, the absolute best thing that could happen to anyone. Those words aren't adequate to describe that truth.
So last night, as I prayed, I believe God reminded me that my phone has a voice recorder on it! (Our phones are failry new to us and definitely more high tech than what we're used to.) So I sat on the floor of my bedroom and wrote her a letter. Then I recorded myself reading the letter and read a few Bible verses to her (Romans 10:9-10, John 17:24 and John 1:1-5). I felt like I could be there to speak to her; to tell her that I love her and tell her that God is with her. I plan to also record myself playing my guitar and singing to her. Though I can't hold her hand, I hope she will feel peace and comfort in this time. I also hope it ministers to my family members who are hurting.
The truth of the matter is that I don't know exactly what to do. I'm not sure if there's a right answer in this, and if there is I don't know what it is. But I know that God far surpasses our knowledge and hopes. He is with her and is waiting for her. Whether it's now or later, I know that my Nana will be home to see our Lord soon. And I know, with joy in my heart and full assurance, that I will see her again - in the light of the glory of God, as we rejoice in the blessings He's given and our amazing salvation.
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